Let's talk about guilt..

I just got back from dropping Benjamin off at preschool/daycare. I like to call it preschool because it makes me feel less guilty for paying someone else to watch my child. I want nothing more than to be home with him 24/7.. even when I'm exhausted and he's throwing tantrums or trying to draw on the walls.

I feel less guilty today than other days. On my way home from TT's, an aura started. Swirling bright lights and odd blind spots that you can't really pinpoint. I got home, took my migraine meds, changed into comfortable pj pants instead of my jeans and picked up my eyemask.

With all the shades drawn and the TV on the discovery channel with the volume low, I started to lay down on the couch to inhale and exhale while counting slowly to try to take my mind off the pain and nausea. (Shiela.. I spelled nausea right because blogger has spell check.. :D

I thought to myself.. well, at least I don't have to feel guilty for dropping Benji off this morning.

Why am I blogging this? Well.. i broke the seal the other day and figured what the hell. I have my eyemask on and occasionally I peek to make sure I haven't made any major typos. Anyway.. we have daycare for this reason. We needed a place where Ben can be when I can't watch him. I can't take care of him when I take the full cocktail of migraine meds that actually helps the migraine. It's another failure. I can be logical about this.. it's not my fault and we're taking care of Benji and he is better off where he can learn and play and I'm better off taking care of myself so that I can be with him later.

It doesn't get rid of the guilt. One step at a time though, right?

It's an awesome fall/winter day.. the wind is blowing, there was snow on the ground this morning. it took Shiela 2.5 hours to get to work. (more guilt).. I'm guessing that we're going to end up buying a house and moving closer to New Haven earlier than next spring.. but we'll see.

Ok.. I'm starting to fade.. so this is it for my morning diatribe. I'll feel better later.