Let's talk about guilt..

I just got back from dropping Benjamin off at preschool/daycare. I like to call it preschool because it makes me feel less guilty for paying someone else to watch my child. I want nothing more than to be home with him 24/7.. even when I'm exhausted and he's throwing tantrums or trying to draw on the walls.

I feel less guilty today than other days. On my way home from TT's, an aura started. Swirling bright lights and odd blind spots that you can't really pinpoint. I got home, took my migraine meds, changed into comfortable pj pants instead of my jeans and picked up my eyemask.

With all the shades drawn and the TV on the discovery channel with the volume low, I started to lay down on the couch to inhale and exhale while counting slowly to try to take my mind off the pain and nausea. (Shiela.. I spelled nausea right because blogger has spell check.. :D

I thought to myself.. well, at least I don't have to feel guilty for dropping Benji off this morning.

Why am I blogging this? Well.. i broke the seal the other day and figured what the hell. I have my eyemask on and occasionally I peek to make sure I haven't made any major typos. Anyway.. we have daycare for this reason. We needed a place where Ben can be when I can't watch him. I can't take care of him when I take the full cocktail of migraine meds that actually helps the migraine. It's another failure. I can be logical about this.. it's not my fault and we're taking care of Benji and he is better off where he can learn and play and I'm better off taking care of myself so that I can be with him later.

It doesn't get rid of the guilt. One step at a time though, right?

It's an awesome fall/winter day.. the wind is blowing, there was snow on the ground this morning. it took Shiela 2.5 hours to get to work. (more guilt).. I'm guessing that we're going to end up buying a house and moving closer to New Haven earlier than next spring.. but we'll see.

Ok.. I'm starting to fade.. so this is it for my morning diatribe. I'll feel better later.


What to say..

I could easily write for days about why I haven't been writing lately. I used to write constantly and about 1/10 of the thoughts that I'd type out would make it to my blog after being appropriately edited for my loyal readers (my mom, my niece, three of my best friends forever that I don't talk to ever).. Two things happened.


I've been wicked sick. Yeah. What's new. When I stopped working, I thought I was barely holding on with the sick days and trying to juggle life and work and managing to keep a steady heading. Well.. I was wrong. The last time I posted was a day after I turned 36. It's been almost 5 months. I got slammed with debilitating migraines. Sounds lame. It's a dumb headache.. suck it up. I couldn't suck it up. I couldn't think. I begged doctors to help. Eventually I ended up having two more seizures on a quiet Friday morning right in front of my 3.5 year old son complete with firemen and paramedics coming to haul me away in an ambulance to a local hospital only to be transfered later that night by ambulance 1.5 hours to Boston so that my high and mighty neurologists from the big city could shed light on the situation. The food sucked. The bed was a "smart bed" that kept inflating and deflating and changing my position on it's own.. it was posessed and it was the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept in. We learned nothing about my headaches or the seizures.. it was irritating. I could have written daily.. only I didn't have the energy.

Oh.. and my computer snapped in half at some point and the laptop monitor is hanging on by a thread.


Absolutely everything in our lives turned upside down and half of the drama wasn't our drama to talk about. Shiela's brother's kids were taken away by child protective services and spent a month here this summer. Can't really write about it because it's too personal and it's not my life. Shiela lost her job at one ivy league institution only to be hired at another ivy league institution. We bought matching cars. I'm not working but I am consulting on one project.. sort of.

Really.. the reason I haven't been blogging is because I have trouble completing a thought.. I also have trouble sharing incomplete thoughts. The combination leads to no blogging for Jen.

Why am I writing today? I'm overwhelmed with the fact that I feel like I don't have words for anything. A college friend is battling cancer and got some rough news yesterday. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I relate with him on so many levels and he helped me deal with some other health issues when we were just out of college. Now he's fighting this fucker of a disease and he and his wife and two beautiful girls are coping with something that I can't comprehend. When I think of his battle I want to say the right thing to let him know that I think of him all the time. I just can't find the words. I feel like a puss for being knocked over by migraines. Headaches are stupid compared to something like cancer. Not exactly an eloquent or even appropriate way of expressing my feelings.

Then there was the 15 year old boy who was struck and killed while riding his bike home from a friends house late at night about a week ago. He was very close to a cousin of mine.. also in high school. The whole town seemed to feel the loss. I see my cousin's son posting this range of emotions on facebook and the responses of all of his friends. It feels like this ten ton heavy thing. ($10 for the first person to get where that quote is from) First thought: "oh my god.. i'd die if anything like that happened to ben" Second thought: "stacey went through this" which is followed by "i miss stacey" and then I circle back around to the cancer thing with zach because stacey's husband died of cancer and they have two kids.. and then i miss her kids for ben.. he doesn't really have any close friends now like he did in boston.

See? no train of thought.. it's random babble.. but there you go. That's where I am right now.