GIVE ME SOME VALIUM!!!

ok.. so most of you know that I've been doing battle with some meds that I went on for anxiety shortly after the red head was born. that crap sucks. i have had.. at least 4 fenderbenders since Ben was born and at one point was even falling over when the wind blew too hard. shiela reminded me last night of the time that I actually fell with benjamin when he was just a few months old. i have no memory of that.

I HATE THAT

if i start "worrying" about all of the things that I may have forgotten.. well.. it makes me need the meds again.. *chuckle*

anywho.. i managed to get my dosage of the original med that i was on down very low. i then switched to a "sister medication" of that original.. it did the same thing, it was just shorter acting. the change was challenging.. but i did it.

since then i've been slowly dropping down in dosage. it really was going quite smoothly until this week. i did notice that for a day or two after changing dosages, i'd have a bit of a headache and would feel a bit more stressed. knowing that it was likely chemical made it easy to brush off and roll my eyes about.

this week.. i have started the big step of not taking the anti-anxiety med at all. i haven't been able to completely drop it because when i start feeling really poorly, i'll let myself have a half of a tablet (which is like licking an asprin since the pills are so friggin small).

So far this week, I have taken one half of a tablet twice.. once in the early AM hours on Tuesday and once last night. not too shabby.

i'll be impressed with myself when i start feeling like i'm not going to crack into a thousand pieces.

i've been nauseous all week. i've also started with having body aches.. it feels like having the flu. then, just to make it fun, i started puking while at work yesterday.. i felt fine.. just wacked nauseous and a vomit fest right before a huge conference call.

luckily, all of my coworkers and clients have been cooperating this week (so far), because i really don't think they'd want to see my "angry eyes" (Toy Story reference).

i have found myself wishing that we could all act like a 2 year old once in a while and have the only repercussions be the adult head shake and maybe a time out. i'd LOVE a time out!! think about it.. something doesn't go ben's way and he either headbutts whoever is closest or he looks for something to chuck. how liberating would it be if i could just headbutt someone just because my sock was twisting the wrong way and i was thirsty but didn't have anything to drink?

today has been tough. it started out ok, although it took me at least twice as long to get through our morning routine. i was stressed.. but i also knew that it made sense with the whole meds thing. i bullied through it. when i dropped ben off at daycare, something a bit strange happened. it was probably nothing, but given that my defenses were down i just let it snowball.

[insert mental image of me driving through Boston traffic on my way to work while talking on my cell phone to shiela and boo-hooing.. yeah.. you wonder why i've gotten into a half dozen car accidents...]

anyway.. i've been relatively productive although i would sell my right arm for a little valium. unfortunately, the only valium that I have in the house is in ben's seizure kit.. and the withdrawal isn't bad enough to merit a rectal gel.

I thought I'd share something that made me smile.. this was my favorite moment from the debate last night.. it was at the close when the two senators were coming around the table to shake the moderator's hand. cracks me the hell up.