I just got back from dropping Benjamin off at preschool/daycare. I like to call it preschool because it makes me feel less guilty for paying someone else to watch my child. I want nothing more than to be home with him 24/7.. even when I'm exhausted and he's throwing tantrums or trying to draw on the walls.
I feel less guilty today than other days. On my way home from TT's, an aura started. Swirling bright lights and odd blind spots that you can't really pinpoint. I got home, took my migraine meds, changed into comfortable pj pants instead of my jeans and picked up my eyemask.
With all the shades drawn and the TV on the discovery channel with the volume low, I started to lay down on the couch to inhale and exhale while counting slowly to try to take my mind off the pain and nausea. (Shiela.. I spelled nausea right because blogger has spell check.. :D
I thought to myself.. well, at least I don't have to feel guilty for dropping Benji off this morning.
Why am I blogging this? Well.. i broke the seal the other day and figured what the hell. I have my eyemask on and occasionally I peek to make sure I haven't made any major typos. Anyway.. we have daycare for this reason. We needed a place where Ben can be when I can't watch him. I can't take care of him when I take the full cocktail of migraine meds that actually helps the migraine. It's another failure. I can be logical about this.. it's not my fault and we're taking care of Benji and he is better off where he can learn and play and I'm better off taking care of myself so that I can be with him later.
It doesn't get rid of the guilt. One step at a time though, right?
It's an awesome fall/winter day.. the wind is blowing, there was snow on the ground this morning. it took Shiela 2.5 hours to get to work. (more guilt).. I'm guessing that we're going to end up buying a house and moving closer to New Haven earlier than next spring.. but we'll see.
Ok.. I'm starting to fade.. so this is it for my morning diatribe. I'll feel better later.
11/08/2010
11/06/2010
What to say..
I could easily write for days about why I haven't been writing lately. I used to write constantly and about 1/10 of the thoughts that I'd type out would make it to my blog after being appropriately edited for my loyal readers (my mom, my niece, three of my best friends forever that I don't talk to ever).. Two things happened.
One.
I've been wicked sick. Yeah. What's new. When I stopped working, I thought I was barely holding on with the sick days and trying to juggle life and work and managing to keep a steady heading. Well.. I was wrong. The last time I posted was a day after I turned 36. It's been almost 5 months. I got slammed with debilitating migraines. Sounds lame. It's a dumb headache.. suck it up. I couldn't suck it up. I couldn't think. I begged doctors to help. Eventually I ended up having two more seizures on a quiet Friday morning right in front of my 3.5 year old son complete with firemen and paramedics coming to haul me away in an ambulance to a local hospital only to be transfered later that night by ambulance 1.5 hours to Boston so that my high and mighty neurologists from the big city could shed light on the situation. The food sucked. The bed was a "smart bed" that kept inflating and deflating and changing my position on it's own.. it was posessed and it was the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept in. We learned nothing about my headaches or the seizures.. it was irritating. I could have written daily.. only I didn't have the energy.
Oh.. and my computer snapped in half at some point and the laptop monitor is hanging on by a thread.
Two.
Absolutely everything in our lives turned upside down and half of the drama wasn't our drama to talk about. Shiela's brother's kids were taken away by child protective services and spent a month here this summer. Can't really write about it because it's too personal and it's not my life. Shiela lost her job at one ivy league institution only to be hired at another ivy league institution. We bought matching cars. I'm not working but I am consulting on one project.. sort of.
Really.. the reason I haven't been blogging is because I have trouble completing a thought.. I also have trouble sharing incomplete thoughts. The combination leads to no blogging for Jen.
Why am I writing today? I'm overwhelmed with the fact that I feel like I don't have words for anything. A college friend is battling cancer and got some rough news yesterday. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I relate with him on so many levels and he helped me deal with some other health issues when we were just out of college. Now he's fighting this fucker of a disease and he and his wife and two beautiful girls are coping with something that I can't comprehend. When I think of his battle I want to say the right thing to let him know that I think of him all the time. I just can't find the words. I feel like a puss for being knocked over by migraines. Headaches are stupid compared to something like cancer. Not exactly an eloquent or even appropriate way of expressing my feelings.
Then there was the 15 year old boy who was struck and killed while riding his bike home from a friends house late at night about a week ago. He was very close to a cousin of mine.. also in high school. The whole town seemed to feel the loss. I see my cousin's son posting this range of emotions on facebook and the responses of all of his friends. It feels like this ten ton heavy thing. ($10 for the first person to get where that quote is from) First thought: "oh my god.. i'd die if anything like that happened to ben" Second thought: "stacey went through this" which is followed by "i miss stacey" and then I circle back around to the cancer thing with zach because stacey's husband died of cancer and they have two kids.. and then i miss her kids for ben.. he doesn't really have any close friends now like he did in boston.
See? no train of thought.. it's random babble.. but there you go. That's where I am right now.
One.
I've been wicked sick. Yeah. What's new. When I stopped working, I thought I was barely holding on with the sick days and trying to juggle life and work and managing to keep a steady heading. Well.. I was wrong. The last time I posted was a day after I turned 36. It's been almost 5 months. I got slammed with debilitating migraines. Sounds lame. It's a dumb headache.. suck it up. I couldn't suck it up. I couldn't think. I begged doctors to help. Eventually I ended up having two more seizures on a quiet Friday morning right in front of my 3.5 year old son complete with firemen and paramedics coming to haul me away in an ambulance to a local hospital only to be transfered later that night by ambulance 1.5 hours to Boston so that my high and mighty neurologists from the big city could shed light on the situation. The food sucked. The bed was a "smart bed" that kept inflating and deflating and changing my position on it's own.. it was posessed and it was the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept in. We learned nothing about my headaches or the seizures.. it was irritating. I could have written daily.. only I didn't have the energy.
Oh.. and my computer snapped in half at some point and the laptop monitor is hanging on by a thread.
Two.
Absolutely everything in our lives turned upside down and half of the drama wasn't our drama to talk about. Shiela's brother's kids were taken away by child protective services and spent a month here this summer. Can't really write about it because it's too personal and it's not my life. Shiela lost her job at one ivy league institution only to be hired at another ivy league institution. We bought matching cars. I'm not working but I am consulting on one project.. sort of.
Really.. the reason I haven't been blogging is because I have trouble completing a thought.. I also have trouble sharing incomplete thoughts. The combination leads to no blogging for Jen.
Why am I writing today? I'm overwhelmed with the fact that I feel like I don't have words for anything. A college friend is battling cancer and got some rough news yesterday. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I relate with him on so many levels and he helped me deal with some other health issues when we were just out of college. Now he's fighting this fucker of a disease and he and his wife and two beautiful girls are coping with something that I can't comprehend. When I think of his battle I want to say the right thing to let him know that I think of him all the time. I just can't find the words. I feel like a puss for being knocked over by migraines. Headaches are stupid compared to something like cancer. Not exactly an eloquent or even appropriate way of expressing my feelings.
Then there was the 15 year old boy who was struck and killed while riding his bike home from a friends house late at night about a week ago. He was very close to a cousin of mine.. also in high school. The whole town seemed to feel the loss. I see my cousin's son posting this range of emotions on facebook and the responses of all of his friends. It feels like this ten ton heavy thing. ($10 for the first person to get where that quote is from) First thought: "oh my god.. i'd die if anything like that happened to ben" Second thought: "stacey went through this" which is followed by "i miss stacey" and then I circle back around to the cancer thing with zach because stacey's husband died of cancer and they have two kids.. and then i miss her kids for ben.. he doesn't really have any close friends now like he did in boston.
See? no train of thought.. it's random babble.. but there you go. That's where I am right now.
5/25/2010
Misrepresentation of gay parentings in today's entertainment media... MGPTEM
Ok.. so I could never put it into works like Lesbian Dad, so I'm going to link to the posting about Glee.
I'm not sure how they will handle the storyline from here on out. It seems to me like they are tiptoeing around a very serious subject that they just don't want to get into. Sort of like how the two guys on Modern Family never kiss, but all the straight couples do. Glee isn't about the daughter of two gay men and the complicated elements and relationships and emotions that could arise regarding a biological parent or a surrogate mother. It's a show about kids singing cool songs and it's meant to be fluff entertainment. I am going to take it as I think it is meant.. as fluff. I do want to say that I agree with Lesbian Dad on all aspects of the argument in the post I linked to above and I worry about the misrepresentation of gay parenting in today's entertainment media.
Nuff heavy stuff.. being a gay parent rocks.. we're always happy..
I'm not sure how they will handle the storyline from here on out. It seems to me like they are tiptoeing around a very serious subject that they just don't want to get into. Sort of like how the two guys on Modern Family never kiss, but all the straight couples do. Glee isn't about the daughter of two gay men and the complicated elements and relationships and emotions that could arise regarding a biological parent or a surrogate mother. It's a show about kids singing cool songs and it's meant to be fluff entertainment. I am going to take it as I think it is meant.. as fluff. I do want to say that I agree with Lesbian Dad on all aspects of the argument in the post I linked to above and I worry about the misrepresentation of gay parenting in today's entertainment media.
Nuff heavy stuff.. being a gay parent rocks.. we're always happy..
5/24/2010
A side note about Glee
The casting of Idina Menzel as Lea Michelle's onscreen biological mother is brilliant. There is little that could make the episode where they sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis better than the fact that Doogie sang Aerosmith's Dream On with Will Schuester.
As an aside.. the show lost me about halfway through the first season. I just couldn't get hooked. They reeled me back in with the Madonna episode and now I'm hooked again. I may even buy the CDs.
As an aside.. the show lost me about halfway through the first season. I just couldn't get hooked. They reeled me back in with the Madonna episode and now I'm hooked again. I may even buy the CDs.
Happy Birthday to Otros Mommy
That would be me.
It's been a good day. I almost lost it at one point and went into Best Buy with a credit card and purchased either something small and expensive or large and expensive. Luckily for my marriage, given my employment status and given the fact that we're moving, going to Kentucky and Shiela is losing her job and enjoying the freedom of unemployment (HAH) along side me over the next two months.. a big screen TV or an Apple iPad isn't in the budget. :)
Benji and I started the day by driving with Shiela to her work where the two of them hung out while I went to see my neurologist about these damned migraines. Turns out she's changing some of my meds and referring me to a migraine specialist in her office. Um.. yeah. This isn't something new. It's my own fault. After last spring with all the seizure/migraines/iron infusions crap.. i stopped going to the doctors and had a bit of a bout of depression. i even stopped going to my shrink. I can't blame anyone but myself for this not being further along. I was just SO tired of how invasive the medication reactions were. I was done. Now I'm back and ready to try new and strange medications that may make me twitch or my eyeballs swell or my tongue turn blue. One of these medications may help with my migraines.
After my doctor appointment, I picked up Benji and we went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles because like all good drivers, I waited until the last day to renew my license. IT. WAS. HELL. Check my facebook profile or leave a comment if you want a rundown.. I just don't have the energy to tell that story again. Let's just say that I'm lucky I'm not in jail for having dropped my son off at the RMV and bolted with my $50 license renewal fee.
The day has gotten better since then.. Shiela got me an edible arrangement that I've almost polished off with the help of my son. It's bedtime for Benji.. so in a few minutes there will be blessed silence.. the quiet in the house that only happens when the fair orange-headed boy is fast asleep and Shiela and I are able to breathe and get ready for a well deserved night of rest.
One thing that I've noticed about being home with Ben versus working at a desk job. At the end of the night.. regardless of whether it was a "good" day or a "bad" day, I feel like I accomplished something. I feel like I worked hard. I feel proud of myself and my family. It's strange and something that I wish I could have experienced with my previous job. There are a lot of things that I'm proud of.. Projects that I worked on and engineering tasks that I completed and problems I solved. Times when my work had a direct impact on people's lives.
That's one major bonus of working in the architectural/construction world. Your recommendations become something concrete. Heck.. sometimes my recommendations were to add concrete. BWa-ha-ha-ha.. Ok.. dumb joke. I drive by buildings that I helped build -- however far down on the priority list acoustics is for most projects. I can count on one hand the number of times I got into bed after work with the feeling of accomplishment that I feel every day now. Now that I've experienced it.. it's not something I'm willing to let go of.
I don't think I've mentioned my new title. Otros Mommy (i may have that spelled wrong). It's spanish for "other". Benji calls both of us "Mommy" but when he's trying to differentiate between the two of us, he calls me otros mommy and calls shiela "other one mommy".. i'm not sure how she got english and i got spanish. We're just rolling with it. Adam says that when Ben says otros mommy it sounds like "ultra mommy".. i'd take that too.
It's been a good day. I almost lost it at one point and went into Best Buy with a credit card and purchased either something small and expensive or large and expensive. Luckily for my marriage, given my employment status and given the fact that we're moving, going to Kentucky and Shiela is losing her job and enjoying the freedom of unemployment (HAH) along side me over the next two months.. a big screen TV or an Apple iPad isn't in the budget. :)
Benji and I started the day by driving with Shiela to her work where the two of them hung out while I went to see my neurologist about these damned migraines. Turns out she's changing some of my meds and referring me to a migraine specialist in her office. Um.. yeah. This isn't something new. It's my own fault. After last spring with all the seizure/migraines/iron infusions crap.. i stopped going to the doctors and had a bit of a bout of depression. i even stopped going to my shrink. I can't blame anyone but myself for this not being further along. I was just SO tired of how invasive the medication reactions were. I was done. Now I'm back and ready to try new and strange medications that may make me twitch or my eyeballs swell or my tongue turn blue. One of these medications may help with my migraines.
After my doctor appointment, I picked up Benji and we went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles because like all good drivers, I waited until the last day to renew my license. IT. WAS. HELL. Check my facebook profile or leave a comment if you want a rundown.. I just don't have the energy to tell that story again. Let's just say that I'm lucky I'm not in jail for having dropped my son off at the RMV and bolted with my $50 license renewal fee.
The day has gotten better since then.. Shiela got me an edible arrangement that I've almost polished off with the help of my son. It's bedtime for Benji.. so in a few minutes there will be blessed silence.. the quiet in the house that only happens when the fair orange-headed boy is fast asleep and Shiela and I are able to breathe and get ready for a well deserved night of rest.
One thing that I've noticed about being home with Ben versus working at a desk job. At the end of the night.. regardless of whether it was a "good" day or a "bad" day, I feel like I accomplished something. I feel like I worked hard. I feel proud of myself and my family. It's strange and something that I wish I could have experienced with my previous job. There are a lot of things that I'm proud of.. Projects that I worked on and engineering tasks that I completed and problems I solved. Times when my work had a direct impact on people's lives.
That's one major bonus of working in the architectural/construction world. Your recommendations become something concrete. Heck.. sometimes my recommendations were to add concrete. BWa-ha-ha-ha.. Ok.. dumb joke. I drive by buildings that I helped build -- however far down on the priority list acoustics is for most projects. I can count on one hand the number of times I got into bed after work with the feeling of accomplishment that I feel every day now. Now that I've experienced it.. it's not something I'm willing to let go of.
I don't think I've mentioned my new title. Otros Mommy (i may have that spelled wrong). It's spanish for "other". Benji calls both of us "Mommy" but when he's trying to differentiate between the two of us, he calls me otros mommy and calls shiela "other one mommy".. i'm not sure how she got english and i got spanish. We're just rolling with it. Adam says that when Ben says otros mommy it sounds like "ultra mommy".. i'd take that too.
5/23/2010
Dreams
Ok... so it's been a while..
I'd write all about what I've been up to since I stopped working in April.. but it's a long story, so I'll just sum up. (cryptic quote from The Princess Bride)
We've been busy. We're moving to Springfield (of the Massachusetts variety). It's not the prettiest city in the world, but our neighborhood seems decent and our neighbors are nice.. hell.. we've talked to our neighbors.. we've been in our current place for 5 years and only know the cute girl down the block. We have to pack up the old place, paint and clean up the new place, and move. The official move is the first week of June. Benji and I will be heading to Kentucky the following weekend.
Shiela is finishing up her life at Harvard Medical School. This would be a bit more straightforward if my number one assumption had come true. Me not sitting and stewing in my office each day was supposed to result in an improvement to my health. Given that I've been into the emergency room twice in the past two weeks and Ben has spent a good 4-5 days in daycare and Shiela has had to stay home a number of times... my plan has been foiled.
Good news.. we have great help. Beck has watched Ben almost every weekend for several weeks now so we can get things done. Morphine is also a wonderful medication that takes away the feeling that 4" rough cut nails have been driven into my skull.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 36. Birthdays are big things for me. I look back at the past, think about the present, and dream about what the future holds. I remember 25 being a tough one. I thought I should be married with at least one child, a house and a cat. 26 was even worse.. not only did I still not have the things I was supposed to have when I was 25.. but I was moving away from home, I was effectively ending a relationship that I had believed was "it" and I was starting a new job in a new city and I was all alone. It was the best thing I ever did. (only now, ten years later, can I say that).
Now.. here I am. In a few hours, I'll be 36. I am moving back home from the city where I grew up in so many ways. I have left a career that had run its course in the form that I was taking it in. Now, two months into being unemployed, I've realized that I love my son more than air and every second I get to spend with him is a gift and I thank my wife for giving me the opportunity to stay home with him even though I was making a shitload of money at my old job.
I've found myself surprised. I've spent more and more time thinking and planning and taking concrete steps toward independent consulting in acoustics. I have 15 years of experience and am great at what I do. The problem I was having with work was the form it was packaged in. What was in the package, I still enjoy and still see a future there (in the field.. on my own). Will I go through with it? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe next month I'll have another epiphany and will decide to be a trucker. Less surprising things have happened in my life.
The thing that is different at this point in my life? I'm not worried about where I'll be in five years or what I'll be doing. .. and this time it's not because I'm suicidal.. *cross my heart*.. it's because I've come to the conclusion that we are making changes based on what it will take to make us happy. Will we be five years closer to "our goals"? I don't know.. because instead of waiting for the end.. spending my time waiting for that goal.. working for it.. but hating life while putting every ounce of energy into striving for that goal.... that goal isn't my goal. Living my life and enjoying every day is my goal. In five years.. we will be somewhere.. hopefully we'll be healthy.. it will all be ok.
And. I. Believe. That.
While it's not related.. I just watched last weeks episode of Glee on hulu and have attached a link to the song I dreamed a dream from Les Mis. There is a line that has always hit me pretty hard. "I had a dream my life would be.. so different from this hell i'm living.." It still chokes me up to listen to it. I can honestly say that a year or so ago when Susan Boyle sang it and it became this huge sensation.. I heard those words.. words I had memorized in high school because it doesn't get much better than Les Mis.. A year ago.. I heard those words and thought "yeah.. tell me about it.. that's exactly how i feel".
Today.. those words still choke me up. I'm not in that position anymore though. My heart goes out to those who are. There are too many people who feel hopeless, helpless and trapped in lives that they can't "fix". No change is easy.. but we only get so much time in this life and there is nothing more terrifying and sad than just watching those days pass you by while you're waiting to finally find the elusive "goal".
Ok.. Glee clip.. i'm getting too deep, even for me. For those of you who read my blog posts.. know that I'm happy. I'd be happier if the migraines would get the heck out of my life.. but I am happy. I am relaxed. I am enjoying every day (even the painful ones) and am dancing on days when it's beautiful outside and I feel well.
Some would say that I'm on the slipperly slope to 40.. I've passed the "hump" of 35.. now it's all over. I'm actually looking forward to 40. I wonder what life will be like then.
Ok.. Glee clip.. the dumb widget is supposed to just include one scene.. but for some it's showing the scene, for others it's showing the whole show. The whole show is awesome, but the song I was talking about is toward the end.
I'd write all about what I've been up to since I stopped working in April.. but it's a long story, so I'll just sum up. (cryptic quote from The Princess Bride)
We've been busy. We're moving to Springfield (of the Massachusetts variety). It's not the prettiest city in the world, but our neighborhood seems decent and our neighbors are nice.. hell.. we've talked to our neighbors.. we've been in our current place for 5 years and only know the cute girl down the block. We have to pack up the old place, paint and clean up the new place, and move. The official move is the first week of June. Benji and I will be heading to Kentucky the following weekend.
Shiela is finishing up her life at Harvard Medical School. This would be a bit more straightforward if my number one assumption had come true. Me not sitting and stewing in my office each day was supposed to result in an improvement to my health. Given that I've been into the emergency room twice in the past two weeks and Ben has spent a good 4-5 days in daycare and Shiela has had to stay home a number of times... my plan has been foiled.
Good news.. we have great help. Beck has watched Ben almost every weekend for several weeks now so we can get things done. Morphine is also a wonderful medication that takes away the feeling that 4" rough cut nails have been driven into my skull.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 36. Birthdays are big things for me. I look back at the past, think about the present, and dream about what the future holds. I remember 25 being a tough one. I thought I should be married with at least one child, a house and a cat. 26 was even worse.. not only did I still not have the things I was supposed to have when I was 25.. but I was moving away from home, I was effectively ending a relationship that I had believed was "it" and I was starting a new job in a new city and I was all alone. It was the best thing I ever did. (only now, ten years later, can I say that).
Now.. here I am. In a few hours, I'll be 36. I am moving back home from the city where I grew up in so many ways. I have left a career that had run its course in the form that I was taking it in. Now, two months into being unemployed, I've realized that I love my son more than air and every second I get to spend with him is a gift and I thank my wife for giving me the opportunity to stay home with him even though I was making a shitload of money at my old job.
I've found myself surprised. I've spent more and more time thinking and planning and taking concrete steps toward independent consulting in acoustics. I have 15 years of experience and am great at what I do. The problem I was having with work was the form it was packaged in. What was in the package, I still enjoy and still see a future there (in the field.. on my own). Will I go through with it? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe next month I'll have another epiphany and will decide to be a trucker. Less surprising things have happened in my life.
The thing that is different at this point in my life? I'm not worried about where I'll be in five years or what I'll be doing. .. and this time it's not because I'm suicidal.. *cross my heart*.. it's because I've come to the conclusion that we are making changes based on what it will take to make us happy. Will we be five years closer to "our goals"? I don't know.. because instead of waiting for the end.. spending my time waiting for that goal.. working for it.. but hating life while putting every ounce of energy into striving for that goal.... that goal isn't my goal. Living my life and enjoying every day is my goal. In five years.. we will be somewhere.. hopefully we'll be healthy.. it will all be ok.
And. I. Believe. That.
While it's not related.. I just watched last weeks episode of Glee on hulu and have attached a link to the song I dreamed a dream from Les Mis. There is a line that has always hit me pretty hard. "I had a dream my life would be.. so different from this hell i'm living.." It still chokes me up to listen to it. I can honestly say that a year or so ago when Susan Boyle sang it and it became this huge sensation.. I heard those words.. words I had memorized in high school because it doesn't get much better than Les Mis.. A year ago.. I heard those words and thought "yeah.. tell me about it.. that's exactly how i feel".
Today.. those words still choke me up. I'm not in that position anymore though. My heart goes out to those who are. There are too many people who feel hopeless, helpless and trapped in lives that they can't "fix". No change is easy.. but we only get so much time in this life and there is nothing more terrifying and sad than just watching those days pass you by while you're waiting to finally find the elusive "goal".
Ok.. Glee clip.. i'm getting too deep, even for me. For those of you who read my blog posts.. know that I'm happy. I'd be happier if the migraines would get the heck out of my life.. but I am happy. I am relaxed. I am enjoying every day (even the painful ones) and am dancing on days when it's beautiful outside and I feel well.
Some would say that I'm on the slipperly slope to 40.. I've passed the "hump" of 35.. now it's all over. I'm actually looking forward to 40. I wonder what life will be like then.
Ok.. Glee clip.. the dumb widget is supposed to just include one scene.. but for some it's showing the scene, for others it's showing the whole show. The whole show is awesome, but the song I was talking about is toward the end.
4/12/2010
Jock itch.. so much to learn..
This is one product that I never saw myself purchasing. I absolutely crack up at the diagram on the front of the package with the highlighted area in yellow.
This started as the "diaper rash" from hell.. and when one prescription cream didn't help.. there we were.. after a trip to the pediatrician.. standing in the athlete's foot/jock itch section of CVS. They should make a version of Lotrimin for children so that you don't have to stand in that section. It's sort of like standing in front of the wall of condoms that are always in plain sight of the pharmacy and all of the elderly grandparents sitting waiting for their prescriptions and frowning on the teenagers trying to figure out the difference between the 70 brands that are available.
Come to think of it.. that's another subject that i know nothing about. I'm worried enough about buying ben his first cup when he starts sports. I learn something new every day...
4/11/2010
How we spend our weekends...
Since I moved to Boston back in May of 2000, I have spent at least one weekend if not two or three down in Connecticut. I love Boston and I do consider this area that we live in now to be home.. and I'm a bit sad to be leaving Arlington. There are parts of it that I really love.. the ability to be in downtown Boston in fifteen minutes is one of those things. The ability to stumble on a "Spring Festival" put on by a Chinese cultural group on a random Saturday and take part (on his own accord) in a small demonstration of martial arts for kids.. that is part of the diversity that is hard to find outside of a city like Boston.
That said.. I miss Windsor Locks, CT because it is my hometown.
I miss Ellington, CT because that was my first journey away from home and I liked living down the street from a farm (and kept Yankee Candle in business while I lived there.
I miss Manchester, CT.. wait.. no I don't.
I miss Malden, MA because it was my first REAL journey away from home, I made some great friends, learned to love Chinese food from an awesome place who never understood that we lived on Tufts Street and not at Tufts University and the town always smelled like toast.
I will miss Arlington because it is where we started our family. All of Benjamin's firsts have happened here.. well.. except when he said his first work (bye) at my dad's and when he took his first steps at my dad's... but you know.. other than that.
With the exception that my mother is hanging out in her mansion in Kentucky with the horses in the back pasture, moving back to within 30 minutes of the rest of my family is very exciting. The weekends probably won't change much though.. we spend all of our time at my sister's in CT already..
Ben can talk now... and this is his "haHA! I know something and I know how to say it!" We have to be careful about him now..
A few weekends ago, we finally got to play outside at Aunti Beck's.. Spring rocks. We also had a special visit from one of my long time reader and blog commenters... "S". Sean Bravakis went to high school with Beck.. which means that I was in the same school with him for one year in high school and since we went to the same college, we technically were in the same school again for one year in college.. although the baseball players didn't hang out often with the music majors and definitely not with the engineers. He now checks my blog daily.. smart boy.
Shiela and I were actually able to sit on Becky's back deck and relax for a while because Ben was way more impressed with playing with them than playing with his boring old moms.
Super Happy Boy.
Another Super Happy Boy.
I have to throw a pic in of Beck too.. this is where Benji gets his curly hair..
This picture cracks me up.. all three of them thinking "hmmm.. how the heck does this thing work?"
Sean.. let me know if you want a real copy of any of these -- I can email you the actual file without being resized with the Copyright note on it.
That said.. I miss Windsor Locks, CT because it is my hometown.
I miss Ellington, CT because that was my first journey away from home and I liked living down the street from a farm (and kept Yankee Candle in business while I lived there.
I miss Manchester, CT.. wait.. no I don't.
I miss Malden, MA because it was my first REAL journey away from home, I made some great friends, learned to love Chinese food from an awesome place who never understood that we lived on Tufts Street and not at Tufts University and the town always smelled like toast.
I will miss Arlington because it is where we started our family. All of Benjamin's firsts have happened here.. well.. except when he said his first work (bye) at my dad's and when he took his first steps at my dad's... but you know.. other than that.
With the exception that my mother is hanging out in her mansion in Kentucky with the horses in the back pasture, moving back to within 30 minutes of the rest of my family is very exciting. The weekends probably won't change much though.. we spend all of our time at my sister's in CT already..
Ben can talk now... and this is his "haHA! I know something and I know how to say it!" We have to be careful about him now..
A few weekends ago, we finally got to play outside at Aunti Beck's.. Spring rocks. We also had a special visit from one of my long time reader and blog commenters... "S". Sean Bravakis went to high school with Beck.. which means that I was in the same school with him for one year in high school and since we went to the same college, we technically were in the same school again for one year in college.. although the baseball players didn't hang out often with the music majors and definitely not with the engineers. He now checks my blog daily.. smart boy.
Shiela and I were actually able to sit on Becky's back deck and relax for a while because Ben was way more impressed with playing with them than playing with his boring old moms.
Super Happy Boy.
Another Super Happy Boy.
I have to throw a pic in of Beck too.. this is where Benji gets his curly hair..
This picture cracks me up.. all three of them thinking "hmmm.. how the heck does this thing work?"
Sean.. let me know if you want a real copy of any of these -- I can email you the actual file without being resized with the Copyright note on it.
4/09/2010
Scratch that..
The bathtime ended with me telling Ben that no, he couldn't have more soap and then he returned the sentiment by pouring a bucket (why does he have a bowl that big in his tub toys anyway?) all over the floor. Then he proceeded to tell me off in baby-babble until I got him dressed and sitting in front of a bowl of yogurt.
I saved the laptop though.. success..
I saved the laptop though.. success..
A little imagination..
Wi-Fi rocks...
So I have been trying to figure out a way to be able to check my email, occasionally blog (yes, Shiel.. blogger has spellsheck), and play Mouse Hunt on Facebook during the day. The problem is that if the laptop is out.. Ben and I end up playing tug of war (yes.. my own fault.. but he's cute playing games on sesamestreet.com and pbskids.org and nickjr.com and... well.. you get the idea.
Currently.. Ben is in the bathtub.. I'm sitting in the bathroom with the laptop on a tray table.. simultaneously caring for the little dude and playing on Facebook. He's turning into a prune.. so this will be short lived.. but it's a step in the right direction.
So I have been trying to figure out a way to be able to check my email, occasionally blog (yes, Shiel.. blogger has spellsheck), and play Mouse Hunt on Facebook during the day. The problem is that if the laptop is out.. Ben and I end up playing tug of war (yes.. my own fault.. but he's cute playing games on sesamestreet.com and pbskids.org and nickjr.com and... well.. you get the idea.
Currently.. Ben is in the bathtub.. I'm sitting in the bathroom with the laptop on a tray table.. simultaneously caring for the little dude and playing on Facebook. He's turning into a prune.. so this will be short lived.. but it's a step in the right direction.
4/08/2010
it's April??
Ok.. good lord..
I think the announcement that I've gotten used to being a stay at home mom will be when I figure out how to do things like blog again. When I first started this new phase in life.. I had this grand idea to like.. blog the first 365 days of being home with my son after working for 20 years.
Since I left work... I have blogged twice.
In my defense, life has been all sorts of hectic. I could write for hours, but well.. it's 10pm and tomorrow is racing toward me like an energetic red headed three year old.
I'll sum up:
1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE spending more time with Benji.
2. I surprised myself by forgetting to eat for several days because I was so busy with Ben.
3. Shiela mixed things up a week after I gave my notice by getting laid off.
4. Yes.. I said that.
5. We threw all of our options up in the air and decided to take the plunge and do everything in our power to forward our lives in a positive direction.
5a. First step -- move home. I moved to Boston in 2000 and I'll be completely honest in that it was the best thing I've ever done. I never went away to college.. I never really stood on my own. For me... ME.. to pick up and move a few hours away from my bubble of a life that I had created and leave a partner that I had thought I had started a life with and to leave my family who are more important to me than air.. this was HUGE. But I also grew up. Here I am.. ten years later.. and moving home.
5b. Second step -- find a home. We browsed for a bit but have decided to stay in Massachusetts and have found a house in the Springfield area with the idea that in our next "lives", both shiela and I will likely look for work in the Connecticut River Valley (which for those of you who aren't up here.. extends up to vermont).
ok.. i'm tired of numbering my thoughts. We're moving.. both of us are psyched to be less than 30 minutes from Windsor Locks (my hometown) and close to my sister(s), niece, nephew, half of my parents and Benji's great grandmother and great grandfather. I'm also psyched about having a whole house.. walls.. doors.. yard.. the whole shabang..
The other thing that has kept me/us busy over the last few weeks has been the ongoing feud with our downstairs neighbor. I won't go into all of the details, but the final ending to that story is that he's been booted from the apartment and has to be out by the end of this month. I'm relieved for the future occupants of our place.. they won't have to live over loser-boy.
So those are the hot topics... I'll hopefully be back in less than two weeks to provide a more comprehensive and interesting update.
btw.. Sean.. I haven't forgotten to upload your photos... they are sitting safely on my computer and are waiting for Benjamin to let me have a turn on the laptop.
I think the announcement that I've gotten used to being a stay at home mom will be when I figure out how to do things like blog again. When I first started this new phase in life.. I had this grand idea to like.. blog the first 365 days of being home with my son after working for 20 years.
Since I left work... I have blogged twice.
In my defense, life has been all sorts of hectic. I could write for hours, but well.. it's 10pm and tomorrow is racing toward me like an energetic red headed three year old.
I'll sum up:
1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE spending more time with Benji.
2. I surprised myself by forgetting to eat for several days because I was so busy with Ben.
3. Shiela mixed things up a week after I gave my notice by getting laid off.
4. Yes.. I said that.
5. We threw all of our options up in the air and decided to take the plunge and do everything in our power to forward our lives in a positive direction.
5a. First step -- move home. I moved to Boston in 2000 and I'll be completely honest in that it was the best thing I've ever done. I never went away to college.. I never really stood on my own. For me... ME.. to pick up and move a few hours away from my bubble of a life that I had created and leave a partner that I had thought I had started a life with and to leave my family who are more important to me than air.. this was HUGE. But I also grew up. Here I am.. ten years later.. and moving home.
5b. Second step -- find a home. We browsed for a bit but have decided to stay in Massachusetts and have found a house in the Springfield area with the idea that in our next "lives", both shiela and I will likely look for work in the Connecticut River Valley (which for those of you who aren't up here.. extends up to vermont).
ok.. i'm tired of numbering my thoughts. We're moving.. both of us are psyched to be less than 30 minutes from Windsor Locks (my hometown) and close to my sister(s), niece, nephew, half of my parents and Benji's great grandmother and great grandfather. I'm also psyched about having a whole house.. walls.. doors.. yard.. the whole shabang..
The other thing that has kept me/us busy over the last few weeks has been the ongoing feud with our downstairs neighbor. I won't go into all of the details, but the final ending to that story is that he's been booted from the apartment and has to be out by the end of this month. I'm relieved for the future occupants of our place.. they won't have to live over loser-boy.
So those are the hot topics... I'll hopefully be back in less than two weeks to provide a more comprehensive and interesting update.
btw.. Sean.. I haven't forgotten to upload your photos... they are sitting safely on my computer and are waiting for Benjamin to let me have a turn on the laptop.
3/24/2010
Cute mommy blogger.. nope.. Mr. Mom here..
Ok.. so I'm not a "Mr.".. but I'm feeling like I need to watch that movie again. Visions of making grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothes iron and the whole vacuum cleaner scene mark incredible parallels with the past few days of my life.
I had grand ideas of blogging this transition. I still may.. but it won't be as I had originally planned.. which involved sitting peacefully at 8:30pm after Benji had gone to bed typing while smiling and laughing as I told about the adventures and antics that had filled our day. I thought -- hey.. maybe I'll blog every day for a year.. really journaling this experience for me to look back on (fondly of course) in the future.
Well.. it's Wednesday.. we're 3 days into it and this is really my first real update. If you're friends with me on facebook, you've seen some general updates and if you're savvy enough to follow twitter, I may keep up with that through my cell phone, which has been my only link to the outside world for the past few days... thank god for internet access via cell phones and text messaging.
Ok.. in short. We had a rough start. The transition is an absolutely huge ten ton heavy thing of change to cope with. As a change-a-phobic (there must be a word for that), I was prepared for my role change from full time engineer/acoustics consultant to full time mom to be like bunji jumping.. you know.. mostly incredible thrills that are worth the "oh shit" moments when you realize that thelittle shit beautiful 3 year old has cornered the cat with a lightsaber.
Ben started off the week with a bit of a cold and a low grade temp. Just enough to be cranky. It was POURING outside.. so plans to get out of the house were derailed as I didn't want to expose him to the elements (um.. i'll get over that quickly) and in general.. i was in a haze. As a result.. the house sort of blew up.. toys everywhere, dishes undone, cats laying on unmade beds, benjamin running through the house like Max from "Where the Wild Things Are" (one of the top 10 best children's books... movie is great too.. for kids over 25).
Shiela came home and of course took one look around and smiled nicely and made a comment about wow.. it must have been an interesting day. I, in return, snapped her head off. How dare she criticize me for not having things perfect.. i was tired, damnit! I had spent the day with a sick child who was pretty much running things and making his own rules while I ran after him saying "no honey.. don't pour your yogurt on the hamster". It was the first day... Shiela did swoop in.. we had a steak dinner and took it easy.
Day 2 (Tuesday), wasn't much better. I had progressed past the daze of "oh my god, I'm not going to my office.. the office I had been in for 10 years.. oh my god.." to "holy crap.. the house is a mess.. we're moving in a few months.. and what do I start with first.
This is where things stuck with the overwhelmed Mr. Mom kicked in. I had a headache.. Ben was still sick-ish.. he is adjusting to not being at daycare and has about the same reaction to change as I do. he is ok.. but wants my sole attention 24/7. i don't blame him.. i'm cool. BUT.. this is hard to do when the house looks like a tornado hit and the cats are kicking cat litter around the kitchen. Plus.. still raining.
We picked Shiel up from work for an excuse to get out of the house. I dropped the two of them off and headed over to my spa to use my gift certificate for $150 from Shiela.. I opted for some extreme hair removal. Pain.. is an understatement. I forgot that I usually take a vicoden before those appointments (just kidding). I did take an anxiety med so I could relax a little.. it's seriously painful. At the same time.. once the endorphins kick in.. you actually walk out an hour later feeling like you had a great workout. I was feeling clean and pampered (with smooth legs) and got home to a VERY flustered Shiela dealing with a VERY flustered Benji.
Turns out our psycho neighbor got pissy again and came up yelling at Shiela to "turn it off".. um.. the only thing that was "on" was the 3 year old.. and they don't come with off switches. Plus.. we do everything we can to minimize his noise because we know we share a duplex with another person. The guy is just a loony jerko. The second time he came up, he banged on the door and then ran down the stairs back into his apartment. Shiela decided (and I agreed) that he's run out of chances and the cops will start being called. We've already given our notice to the landlord that we're moving at the end of our lease.. but I'm sure he will side with us regardless anyway. I just want to fluster the jerko (neighbor) with the big Arlington police dudes telling him to cool his heels.
SO... I put ben to bed.. he was asleep by 8:30 for the first time in months. No nap and lots of tantrums will do that to you. Shiela and I were asleep shortly after hoping for a new day.
Today was a LOT better. I'm starting to lose consciousness, so I'm going to blog about it tomorrow.. but the short version is that Ben and I had a great day.. he had a post-op appointment with his ENT that went great and a visit with his audiologist that also went great showing passing threshold of hearing tests in both ears (good thing) and played at the park.. had a nap.. I got some paperwork and cleaning done.. and took a short nap myself.. then we went off to pick up shiela at work again. All is happy in our world today.
I've only touched the tippy tippy top of all the change we've got in store for us for the next few months. I'll leave one teaser. We'll be moving "home" (for me) within a month or two.. we have a single family house lied up about 30 minutes from my hometown (go Raiders! woot!) and it will feel WONDERFUL to be back closer to my family again.
Ok.. I'm falling asleep.. goodnight.. good night moon.
I had grand ideas of blogging this transition. I still may.. but it won't be as I had originally planned.. which involved sitting peacefully at 8:30pm after Benji had gone to bed typing while smiling and laughing as I told about the adventures and antics that had filled our day. I thought -- hey.. maybe I'll blog every day for a year.. really journaling this experience for me to look back on (fondly of course) in the future.
Well.. it's Wednesday.. we're 3 days into it and this is really my first real update. If you're friends with me on facebook, you've seen some general updates and if you're savvy enough to follow twitter, I may keep up with that through my cell phone, which has been my only link to the outside world for the past few days... thank god for internet access via cell phones and text messaging.
Ok.. in short. We had a rough start. The transition is an absolutely huge ten ton heavy thing of change to cope with. As a change-a-phobic (there must be a word for that), I was prepared for my role change from full time engineer/acoustics consultant to full time mom to be like bunji jumping.. you know.. mostly incredible thrills that are worth the "oh shit" moments when you realize that the
Ben started off the week with a bit of a cold and a low grade temp. Just enough to be cranky. It was POURING outside.. so plans to get out of the house were derailed as I didn't want to expose him to the elements (um.. i'll get over that quickly) and in general.. i was in a haze. As a result.. the house sort of blew up.. toys everywhere, dishes undone, cats laying on unmade beds, benjamin running through the house like Max from "Where the Wild Things Are" (one of the top 10 best children's books... movie is great too.. for kids over 25).
Shiela came home and of course took one look around and smiled nicely and made a comment about wow.. it must have been an interesting day. I, in return, snapped her head off. How dare she criticize me for not having things perfect.. i was tired, damnit! I had spent the day with a sick child who was pretty much running things and making his own rules while I ran after him saying "no honey.. don't pour your yogurt on the hamster". It was the first day... Shiela did swoop in.. we had a steak dinner and took it easy.
Day 2 (Tuesday), wasn't much better. I had progressed past the daze of "oh my god, I'm not going to my office.. the office I had been in for 10 years.. oh my god.." to "holy crap.. the house is a mess.. we're moving in a few months.. and what do I start with first.
This is where things stuck with the overwhelmed Mr. Mom kicked in. I had a headache.. Ben was still sick-ish.. he is adjusting to not being at daycare and has about the same reaction to change as I do. he is ok.. but wants my sole attention 24/7. i don't blame him.. i'm cool. BUT.. this is hard to do when the house looks like a tornado hit and the cats are kicking cat litter around the kitchen. Plus.. still raining.
We picked Shiel up from work for an excuse to get out of the house. I dropped the two of them off and headed over to my spa to use my gift certificate for $150 from Shiela.. I opted for some extreme hair removal. Pain.. is an understatement. I forgot that I usually take a vicoden before those appointments (just kidding). I did take an anxiety med so I could relax a little.. it's seriously painful. At the same time.. once the endorphins kick in.. you actually walk out an hour later feeling like you had a great workout. I was feeling clean and pampered (with smooth legs) and got home to a VERY flustered Shiela dealing with a VERY flustered Benji.
Turns out our psycho neighbor got pissy again and came up yelling at Shiela to "turn it off".. um.. the only thing that was "on" was the 3 year old.. and they don't come with off switches. Plus.. we do everything we can to minimize his noise because we know we share a duplex with another person. The guy is just a loony jerko. The second time he came up, he banged on the door and then ran down the stairs back into his apartment. Shiela decided (and I agreed) that he's run out of chances and the cops will start being called. We've already given our notice to the landlord that we're moving at the end of our lease.. but I'm sure he will side with us regardless anyway. I just want to fluster the jerko (neighbor) with the big Arlington police dudes telling him to cool his heels.
SO... I put ben to bed.. he was asleep by 8:30 for the first time in months. No nap and lots of tantrums will do that to you. Shiela and I were asleep shortly after hoping for a new day.
Today was a LOT better. I'm starting to lose consciousness, so I'm going to blog about it tomorrow.. but the short version is that Ben and I had a great day.. he had a post-op appointment with his ENT that went great and a visit with his audiologist that also went great showing passing threshold of hearing tests in both ears (good thing) and played at the park.. had a nap.. I got some paperwork and cleaning done.. and took a short nap myself.. then we went off to pick up shiela at work again. All is happy in our world today.
I've only touched the tippy tippy top of all the change we've got in store for us for the next few months. I'll leave one teaser. We'll be moving "home" (for me) within a month or two.. we have a single family house lied up about 30 minutes from my hometown (go Raiders! woot!) and it will feel WONDERFUL to be back closer to my family again.
Ok.. I'm falling asleep.. goodnight.. good night moon.
3/19/2010
Me? A SAHM?
For those of you who don't frequency mom blogs or mommy-message-boards.. a SAHM is a "Stay at Home Mom". There are so many things to think about and absorb. I think my first order of business is to detox from 13 years of acoustics consulting.
Stay tuned for my adventures as an acronym!
Stay tuned for my adventures as an acronym!
3/17/2010
Change.. good Bowie songs
David Bowie is a strange dude.. but one of the best songs of all time was recorded by him in April of 1971 in London. It's one of those songs that you just crank to 11 and it makes the world's unknowns make sense.
Plus.. it was quoted in the movie The Breakfast Club in 1985 when I was about 11.. and I'm on a kick of 80's movies lately.. they all seem very deep.. maybe I'm just REALLY ready for my extended vacation.
From the Breakfast Club opening
Seriously.. download the song to your ipod and crank it on your car stereo with the windows open while stuck in traffic at rush hour and you'll get it.
So... I digress.. My blogging frequency has declined lately.. I've been busy. I keep wanting to write.. and need to find a way to write while doing other things.. easier said than done. Maybe I can hire someone to walk behind me and take notes.. or hey.. I've tried from the cell phone.. but it's too hard to keep a 3 year old from running into the street (his new hobby) and/or drive while blogging.. so you all will just have to wait until I have ten minutes in the evening after Benji is asleep and before I have crashed for the night.
In my last post, I made a mention of "How much change is too much change".. I suppose most of you assumed I was talking about the huge ass changes I have that are all obvious and right out in the open.. like leaving my career of 15 years to be a stay at home mom and all the upheaval that goes with that decision. To be honest.. I'm at peace with all of that. I've felt better in the past two weeks during brief periods between panic attacks than I have felt in years. The panic has started to decrease as I've wrapped more and more things up at work. The more that is no longer unknown makes me feel safer..
At the same time.. everything seems to be coming together in a weird strange nutty sort of way that you'd never plan for. I just have this feeling that we'll look back in five or ten years and think "damn.. that was nuts.. but that was the beginning of everything really settling down for us".
Could I ::BE:: more vague?
Some random items. We're moving. We won't be renewing our lease at the end of June. That, in itself, is huge. I get very attached to my home and it means a LOT that I consider the building and the street and the town that we're living in right now to be "home". Moving from "home" is hard. At the same time.. there are some things about where we live now that we are very very VERY ready to distance ourselves from. City living is not for me. City living is not for Shiel. Some of our friends who actually live in Boston and not in the suburbs laugh at us for calling Arlington, MA "city living". We live in yuppie-ville.
For comparison.. we've been looking around at apartments. One of those apartments was in a town with a population of just over 1000 and it doesn't even have a middle or high school.. the elementary school has 100 kids.. one class per grade. There is no trash pickup. There IS electricity. It's in the middle of a forest.. literally. The outside of the house is nothing special.. it's another duplex. There aren't really other houses around.. one or two.. then a forest.. then another one or two. It's a ten minute drive to anywhere. But... BUT... when you stand out in the dirt driveway in the evening and look up at the sky? There are more stars than I remembered even existed. Will we go that drastic.. who knows.. we have several months to figure out where we will make our new home.. but it's exciting to think of the possibilities.
We're also ditching the minivan. It's on the expensive side and we're trying to cut costs where we can. Wanna know what we're looking at? A ford eff-ing pickup! I was the proud owner of a Ford Ranger XLT ("Harvest Gold".. i.e. tan) before Benji was born. Now we're thinking of going with the next step up.. an F-150. Part of the logic behind this is that we may move to no-man's land and need to haul our trash to the dump. Since I married a dirt worshiping granola crunching tree hugger.. we don't have much trash (besides diapers).. we have a LOT of recycling.. but that stuff still would require hauling.
Plus... we're lesbians. The minivan has been a hoot.. we played the soccer mom thing for a bit.. but I want my truck back. The truck was more "me".
In other news... I have TWO days left at work. Then I'm out of there. The next chapter will be starting soon and I hope to blog as much of it as possible so that I can look back and remember this time years from now.
I have very few memories from Benji's first six months. I was very ill when he was born and we had the hectic crazy world of NICU time and by my two week post partum check, the post partum depression had started to kick in. It wasn't until March when things got really bad, but still.. I look back over photos of Ben's first months and while I remember some of it.. I don't remember so much. It's something that I still grieve.
Shiela is giving me an incredible gift of giving me time to be with Benji now.. I won't be able to reclaim those first few months.. but I will be able to go an explore the world with him and collect rocks and feed ducks and play with trains and all sorts of fascinating wonderful things that I wouldn't have the time to do if I was working 40+ hours a week and racing on the weekends to catch up on housework. Shiela came right out and told me, a few weeks ago when I was worrying about money, that this was something that I needed and that she needed to give to me. I can't tell you how much it means to have a spouse who gets it. We have to make a lot of life changes (like I can't get an iPad) to make this all work.. but we have a plan and to be completely honest.. I feel like we are hitting the "restart" button and the entire world is in front of us.
Oh.. and I get to go to Kentucky for 3 weeks to visit Grandma and Grampa Illick with Benji.. that will rock.
Now that I'm starting to ramble.. I'm going to draw this to a close and let you know that next week my camera is coming back out and our new life starts..
Plus.. it was quoted in the movie The Breakfast Club in 1985 when I was about 11.. and I'm on a kick of 80's movies lately.. they all seem very deep.. maybe I'm just REALLY ready for my extended vacation.
From the Breakfast Club opening
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through...
Seriously.. download the song to your ipod and crank it on your car stereo with the windows open while stuck in traffic at rush hour and you'll get it.
So... I digress.. My blogging frequency has declined lately.. I've been busy. I keep wanting to write.. and need to find a way to write while doing other things.. easier said than done. Maybe I can hire someone to walk behind me and take notes.. or hey.. I've tried from the cell phone.. but it's too hard to keep a 3 year old from running into the street (his new hobby) and/or drive while blogging.. so you all will just have to wait until I have ten minutes in the evening after Benji is asleep and before I have crashed for the night.
In my last post, I made a mention of "How much change is too much change".. I suppose most of you assumed I was talking about the huge ass changes I have that are all obvious and right out in the open.. like leaving my career of 15 years to be a stay at home mom and all the upheaval that goes with that decision. To be honest.. I'm at peace with all of that. I've felt better in the past two weeks during brief periods between panic attacks than I have felt in years. The panic has started to decrease as I've wrapped more and more things up at work. The more that is no longer unknown makes me feel safer..
At the same time.. everything seems to be coming together in a weird strange nutty sort of way that you'd never plan for. I just have this feeling that we'll look back in five or ten years and think "damn.. that was nuts.. but that was the beginning of everything really settling down for us".
Could I ::BE:: more vague?
Some random items. We're moving. We won't be renewing our lease at the end of June. That, in itself, is huge. I get very attached to my home and it means a LOT that I consider the building and the street and the town that we're living in right now to be "home". Moving from "home" is hard. At the same time.. there are some things about where we live now that we are very very VERY ready to distance ourselves from. City living is not for me. City living is not for Shiel. Some of our friends who actually live in Boston and not in the suburbs laugh at us for calling Arlington, MA "city living". We live in yuppie-ville.
For comparison.. we've been looking around at apartments. One of those apartments was in a town with a population of just over 1000 and it doesn't even have a middle or high school.. the elementary school has 100 kids.. one class per grade. There is no trash pickup. There IS electricity. It's in the middle of a forest.. literally. The outside of the house is nothing special.. it's another duplex. There aren't really other houses around.. one or two.. then a forest.. then another one or two. It's a ten minute drive to anywhere. But... BUT... when you stand out in the dirt driveway in the evening and look up at the sky? There are more stars than I remembered even existed. Will we go that drastic.. who knows.. we have several months to figure out where we will make our new home.. but it's exciting to think of the possibilities.
We're also ditching the minivan. It's on the expensive side and we're trying to cut costs where we can. Wanna know what we're looking at? A ford eff-ing pickup! I was the proud owner of a Ford Ranger XLT ("Harvest Gold".. i.e. tan) before Benji was born. Now we're thinking of going with the next step up.. an F-150. Part of the logic behind this is that we may move to no-man's land and need to haul our trash to the dump. Since I married a dirt worshiping granola crunching tree hugger.. we don't have much trash (besides diapers).. we have a LOT of recycling.. but that stuff still would require hauling.
Plus... we're lesbians. The minivan has been a hoot.. we played the soccer mom thing for a bit.. but I want my truck back. The truck was more "me".
In other news... I have TWO days left at work. Then I'm out of there. The next chapter will be starting soon and I hope to blog as much of it as possible so that I can look back and remember this time years from now.
I have very few memories from Benji's first six months. I was very ill when he was born and we had the hectic crazy world of NICU time and by my two week post partum check, the post partum depression had started to kick in. It wasn't until March when things got really bad, but still.. I look back over photos of Ben's first months and while I remember some of it.. I don't remember so much. It's something that I still grieve.
Shiela is giving me an incredible gift of giving me time to be with Benji now.. I won't be able to reclaim those first few months.. but I will be able to go an explore the world with him and collect rocks and feed ducks and play with trains and all sorts of fascinating wonderful things that I wouldn't have the time to do if I was working 40+ hours a week and racing on the weekends to catch up on housework. Shiela came right out and told me, a few weeks ago when I was worrying about money, that this was something that I needed and that she needed to give to me. I can't tell you how much it means to have a spouse who gets it. We have to make a lot of life changes (like I can't get an iPad) to make this all work.. but we have a plan and to be completely honest.. I feel like we are hitting the "restart" button and the entire world is in front of us.
Oh.. and I get to go to Kentucky for 3 weeks to visit Grandma and Grampa Illick with Benji.. that will rock.
Now that I'm starting to ramble.. I'm going to draw this to a close and let you know that next week my camera is coming back out and our new life starts..
3/10/2010
Minus work stress... what's left?
Ok.. so we made some major progress today at my work. As you may have noticed for the past week.. I've been cranky. There was one last hoo-rah of just chaotic nonsensical nothingness that would have a major impact on my days.. I just need a set plan.. I'm a complicated person.. no doubt.. but if you take the unknown out of the equation.. just about everything else in my worried mind settles right down.
So I finally have an end date. I HAD an end date a week ago.. but then it all got shaken up with questions over whether there was enough work to keep me useful (what-evah..) and disagreements over the color of the sky and the speed of sound. Tack on crazy schedules where we couldn't get 4 people in the same space at the same time and it took a week to figure out a "transition plan" for my official exit (re: kicking down the double doors).
My last full day will be next Friday, the 19th. I'll be on call for the rest of the month and 100% officially done on the 31st. Well.. with the one exception that I have one project that will have me back working for the company on a contract basis sometime later this summer... but extra cash is always welcome.
So you take all that stress away and what happens?
I spent the remainder of today at work being ultra productive.. got a LOT done and enjoyed doing it. I then had an appointment with my therapist where I didn't cry.. and I actually didn't have any worry/panic issues to discuss.. no tragedies to solve.. we just chatted, very logically, about how I interact with others and what my weak points are and what my strong points are and how/when I manage to stand up for myself (which I did this week.. *clap hand on back*).. Assuming no major catastrophes over the next week.. I will actually be leaving the company on good terms and with the feeling that they treated me with respect and dignity during my exit.
After my appointment, I half walked and half took a bus over to the new pizza place near our house and had dinner with Shiel and Benji. Ben was in rare form and had been beating up on Shiela and with her FMS, she was hurting from head to toe and was done by the time I got there. I had a piece of pizza and then headed out with Ben and we walked home.
We jumped all of the cracks on the sidewalk and held hands the whole way. When we got home, we went into the front yard and he "picked blueberries" from the from shrubs (pretend blueberries). Then we played for a few hours and he's now sound asleep.
Subject of tomorrow's post... "How much change is too much change...?"
So I finally have an end date. I HAD an end date a week ago.. but then it all got shaken up with questions over whether there was enough work to keep me useful (what-evah..) and disagreements over the color of the sky and the speed of sound. Tack on crazy schedules where we couldn't get 4 people in the same space at the same time and it took a week to figure out a "transition plan" for my official exit (re: kicking down the double doors).
My last full day will be next Friday, the 19th. I'll be on call for the rest of the month and 100% officially done on the 31st. Well.. with the one exception that I have one project that will have me back working for the company on a contract basis sometime later this summer... but extra cash is always welcome.
So you take all that stress away and what happens?
I spent the remainder of today at work being ultra productive.. got a LOT done and enjoyed doing it. I then had an appointment with my therapist where I didn't cry.. and I actually didn't have any worry/panic issues to discuss.. no tragedies to solve.. we just chatted, very logically, about how I interact with others and what my weak points are and what my strong points are and how/when I manage to stand up for myself (which I did this week.. *clap hand on back*).. Assuming no major catastrophes over the next week.. I will actually be leaving the company on good terms and with the feeling that they treated me with respect and dignity during my exit.
After my appointment, I half walked and half took a bus over to the new pizza place near our house and had dinner with Shiel and Benji. Ben was in rare form and had been beating up on Shiela and with her FMS, she was hurting from head to toe and was done by the time I got there. I had a piece of pizza and then headed out with Ben and we walked home.
We jumped all of the cracks on the sidewalk and held hands the whole way. When we got home, we went into the front yard and he "picked blueberries" from the from shrubs (pretend blueberries). Then we played for a few hours and he's now sound asleep.
Subject of tomorrow's post... "How much change is too much change...?"
3/09/2010
One of the hardest things I didn't do..
Yesterday, we told Ruth and the folks at Ben's daycare that I was going to stop working and he wouldn't be going there (at least regularly) anymore. When I say "we" told her.. I mean that I sat in the car and cried and Shiela told her.
I may have to break my rule...
..about not posting about work shit. Seriously.. once you give your notice and one foot is out the door.. is there any reason for them to make your life hell? Oh.. sorry.. not hell.. just limbo.. I don't have an end date yet. It was March 31.. then it was the 15th.. then it was the 19th. My office is packed and at any moment I may kick down the double doors and head out and pump my fist in the air like Judd Nelson's character in the Breakfast Club.
3/06/2010
Too many taboo topics...
Ok.. so I was on a roll.. blogging every day-ish.. enjoying writing again.. it was great. I quit my job to start this great and wonderful transition in my life (mid-life crisis? I'm hoping I'm not at mid-life.. that would have me knocking off at 72.. actually 72 sounds like a good goal.. so bring on the mid-life crisis!!!)
Ok.. so then all this stuff starts happening. Some of it I can blog about. Some of it I can't.. yet. I may start a competition with some huge fancy prize like a handmade clay sculpture made by Benji to the first person who can guess all the blanks in our madlibs life.
SO.. on top of there being items that I just wasn't comfortable blogging about and tacking on Benji's rough time post-surgery with a nasty secondary infection and antibiotics and all sorts of chaos and days home from school. Then there's the fact that while I've blogged about quitting my job.. I still stick by my "no blogging about work" rule.. it just seems like bad form. So when I am in my last month at the place, some of my coworkers are pissing me off and half of me finds it funny and half of me wants to kick crap.
Some things I'm just not comfortable blogging about. My brother-in-law and his wife are having problems and it's caused all sorts of chaos down in Texas causing lots of worry up in our neck of the woods. I could write pages and pages about all of the ups and downs and emotions that go along with being in a family where your nephews are pulled out of their home by protective services. I don't feel like I can write about our feelings about the situation because it clearly violates my brother-in-law's life story.. he doesn't read my blog.. but Shiela's mom does and this is all very hard on her as well.. it just doesn't seem like a container of feelings that I should write about.
I could write about the apartment hunt. You'll probably be hearing much more about that over the coming months (our lease is up in June). I plan to start my time after I finish up at work just throwing stuff away and donating so we don't have to move it all. We're debating locations to live in. We have a price range and some criteria.. we basically want to be in a more suburban environment with a little bit of a yard (hopefully fenced in) and other things like washer/dryer hookups. We've spent time driving around different towns to get a feel for areas we are interested in and areas that are just ghetto. I've done the ghetto thing in Malden.. no more Brazilian gangland territories for us..
I could write about how addicted I am to the game Mousehunt on Facebook.. it's awesome. I won't.. that addiction irritates my wife.
I'll probably write about Ben. That never gets old.
Ok.. so then all this stuff starts happening. Some of it I can blog about. Some of it I can't.. yet. I may start a competition with some huge fancy prize like a handmade clay sculpture made by Benji to the first person who can guess all the blanks in our madlibs life.
SO.. on top of there being items that I just wasn't comfortable blogging about and tacking on Benji's rough time post-surgery with a nasty secondary infection and antibiotics and all sorts of chaos and days home from school. Then there's the fact that while I've blogged about quitting my job.. I still stick by my "no blogging about work" rule.. it just seems like bad form. So when I am in my last month at the place, some of my coworkers are pissing me off and half of me finds it funny and half of me wants to kick crap.
Some things I'm just not comfortable blogging about. My brother-in-law and his wife are having problems and it's caused all sorts of chaos down in Texas causing lots of worry up in our neck of the woods. I could write pages and pages about all of the ups and downs and emotions that go along with being in a family where your nephews are pulled out of their home by protective services. I don't feel like I can write about our feelings about the situation because it clearly violates my brother-in-law's life story.. he doesn't read my blog.. but Shiela's mom does and this is all very hard on her as well.. it just doesn't seem like a container of feelings that I should write about.
I could write about the apartment hunt. You'll probably be hearing much more about that over the coming months (our lease is up in June). I plan to start my time after I finish up at work just throwing stuff away and donating so we don't have to move it all. We're debating locations to live in. We have a price range and some criteria.. we basically want to be in a more suburban environment with a little bit of a yard (hopefully fenced in) and other things like washer/dryer hookups. We've spent time driving around different towns to get a feel for areas we are interested in and areas that are just ghetto. I've done the ghetto thing in Malden.. no more Brazilian gangland territories for us..
I could write about how addicted I am to the game Mousehunt on Facebook.. it's awesome. I won't.. that addiction irritates my wife.
I'll probably write about Ben. That never gets old.
3/01/2010
Ear tubes in - check. Adenoids out - check.
I want to share the whole story... it's really quite amazing.. Benji is doing amazing.. I'm a bit too tired to do more than post some photos now.. I'll try to fill in the blanks of the story at some point tomorrow..
In the waiting room...
Getting ready -- minutes before Benji started itching from being allergic to whatever detergent they used on their linens.. that johnny didn't last long..
Mommy and Benji in recovery just waking up...
Benji at Anna's birthday after-party on Saturday (2 days post-op)...
In the waiting room...
Getting ready -- minutes before Benji started itching from being allergic to whatever detergent they used on their linens.. that johnny didn't last long..
Mommy and Benji in recovery just waking up...
Benji at Anna's birthday after-party on Saturday (2 days post-op)...
2/28/2010
Should I skip sleep?
Nah.. that would be physically impossible. I'm one of those people who can sleep 12 hours a night and STILL take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. Yes.. I'm taking a multi-vitamin and yes, my iron levels are fine (note for my mother who is making a list of things to text me about).
I have lots to blog.. so much. I want to write about Benji's surgery last Thursday. I want to write about how awesome his daycare provider and her family were for stopping by on Saturday to surprise Benji. I want to write about how awesome Ben is doing post-op. I want to write about how I'm concerned that I'm starting to understand Fleetwood Mac songs. I want to write about how we found out that Ben is learning to play chess with Ruth at school. I want to write about how I worked extra hours and appeared at a town hearing this past week AND worked half a day on Saturday and how the song "Don't you forget about me" from the movie, The Breakfast Club, plays in my mind every time I was out of my office building and I have an image of me thrusting my fist up in the air like Judd Nelson's character in the final scene of that movie. I want to write how worried I am about my nephews in Texas. I want to write about how worried I am about my wife because of how worried she is about her nephews in Texas. I want to write about how I'm worried about how much of a tax return we'll get back given that I went and quit my wonderful and inspiring job (I'd NEVER be sarcastic on my blog). I want to write about how I'm tired of not being able to write because my son wants full access to any computer that is turned on in the house to play on sproutonline.com and nickjr.com. I want to write about how I want to go to Kentucky to visit my mom and the $600 that it would take to get both Benji and me down there is just a little out of my reach right now (refer back to worries about tax returns).
Mostly I just want to write about Benji and brag about how cool he is. I also want to state, for the record, that I think my sister, Beck, should have come up here this past weekend.
I could write about how Shiela just poked her head into the bedroom to see what I was doing (I'm writing and playing MouseHunt on Facebook -- a raging addiction) and watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics and seriously considering a move to British Columbia. Anyway.. I got teared up writing about my mom and Shiela walks in and almost falls over laughing because I'm a scene out of "Something's Gotta Give" while sitting at my laptop with tears dripping down my cheeks and pooling behind my glasses.
I'm also disappointed that the USA lost the hockey game today.. but slightly proud of our future home country assuming we move to British Columbia. Hell.. Ryan Renold and Michael J Fox came from there..
I could also write about my failed attempt to make a cute pendant for Shiela for her birthday with Benji's fingerprint on it. It would have worked fine if the little shit didn't keep grabbing the clay and throwing it across the kitchen and then squishing any decent imprint impression I managed to get.
So that's it for me at 10:15pm on a Sunday night. Ben is asleep.. both cats are curled at my feet.. and I'm going to bed. Hopefully this coming week will be more restful and productive than this past week. If nothing else.. I've officially started the countdown to my last day of work (March 31).
OH... I figured out what I was going to do when Ben goes to Kindergarten. He'll be going to school in about 3 years. The next winter olympics is in 4 years. That'll give me about a good year to train for the women's short track. It'll probably take that long to find those cool skates and one of those snazzy outfits in a women's size 18. I think the sponsorships from that gold metal win would easily supplement our family for a few years ... maybe Jenny Craig and Lane Bryant would make me their spokesperson? I think inertia alone would get me around that track.. and I could definitely take out some of those little young tykes in the sport.
I have lots to blog.. so much. I want to write about Benji's surgery last Thursday. I want to write about how awesome his daycare provider and her family were for stopping by on Saturday to surprise Benji. I want to write about how awesome Ben is doing post-op. I want to write about how I'm concerned that I'm starting to understand Fleetwood Mac songs. I want to write about how we found out that Ben is learning to play chess with Ruth at school. I want to write about how I worked extra hours and appeared at a town hearing this past week AND worked half a day on Saturday and how the song "Don't you forget about me" from the movie, The Breakfast Club, plays in my mind every time I was out of my office building and I have an image of me thrusting my fist up in the air like Judd Nelson's character in the final scene of that movie. I want to write how worried I am about my nephews in Texas. I want to write about how worried I am about my wife because of how worried she is about her nephews in Texas. I want to write about how I'm worried about how much of a tax return we'll get back given that I went and quit my wonderful and inspiring job (I'd NEVER be sarcastic on my blog). I want to write about how I'm tired of not being able to write because my son wants full access to any computer that is turned on in the house to play on sproutonline.com and nickjr.com. I want to write about how I want to go to Kentucky to visit my mom and the $600 that it would take to get both Benji and me down there is just a little out of my reach right now (refer back to worries about tax returns).
Mostly I just want to write about Benji and brag about how cool he is. I also want to state, for the record, that I think my sister, Beck, should have come up here this past weekend.
I could write about how Shiela just poked her head into the bedroom to see what I was doing (I'm writing and playing MouseHunt on Facebook -- a raging addiction) and watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics and seriously considering a move to British Columbia. Anyway.. I got teared up writing about my mom and Shiela walks in and almost falls over laughing because I'm a scene out of "Something's Gotta Give" while sitting at my laptop with tears dripping down my cheeks and pooling behind my glasses.
I'm also disappointed that the USA lost the hockey game today.. but slightly proud of our future home country assuming we move to British Columbia. Hell.. Ryan Renold and Michael J Fox came from there..
I could also write about my failed attempt to make a cute pendant for Shiela for her birthday with Benji's fingerprint on it. It would have worked fine if the little shit didn't keep grabbing the clay and throwing it across the kitchen and then squishing any decent imprint impression I managed to get.
So that's it for me at 10:15pm on a Sunday night. Ben is asleep.. both cats are curled at my feet.. and I'm going to bed. Hopefully this coming week will be more restful and productive than this past week. If nothing else.. I've officially started the countdown to my last day of work (March 31).
OH... I figured out what I was going to do when Ben goes to Kindergarten. He'll be going to school in about 3 years. The next winter olympics is in 4 years. That'll give me about a good year to train for the women's short track. It'll probably take that long to find those cool skates and one of those snazzy outfits in a women's size 18. I think the sponsorships from that gold metal win would easily supplement our family for a few years ... maybe Jenny Craig and Lane Bryant would make me their spokesperson? I think inertia alone would get me around that track.. and I could definitely take out some of those little young tykes in the sport.
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