The Duck Flies

Let's talk about guilt..

2010-11-08T10:00:00.002-05:00

I just got back from dropping Benjamin off at preschool/daycare. I like to call it preschool because it makes me feel less guilty for paying someone else to watch my child. I want nothing more than to be home with him 24/7.. even when I'm exhausted and he's throwing tantrums or trying to draw on the walls.

I feel less guilty today than other days. On my way home from TT's, an aura started. Swirling bright lights and odd blind spots that you can't really pinpoint. I got home, took my migraine meds, changed into comfortable pj pants instead of my jeans and picked up my eyemask.

With all the shades drawn and the TV on the discovery channel with the volume low, I started to lay down on the couch to inhale and exhale while counting slowly to try to take my mind off the pain and nausea. (Shiela.. I spelled nausea right because blogger has spell check.. :D

I thought to myself.. well, at least I don't have to feel guilty for dropping Benji off this morning.

Why am I blogging this? Well.. i broke the seal the other day and figured what the hell. I have my eyemask on and occasionally I peek to make sure I haven't made any major typos. Anyway.. we have daycare for this reason. We needed a place where Ben can be when I can't watch him. I can't take care of him when I take the full cocktail of migraine meds that actually helps the migraine. It's another failure. I can be logical about this.. it's not my fault and we're taking care of Benji and he is better off where he can learn and play and I'm better off taking care of myself so that I can be with him later.

It doesn't get rid of the guilt. One step at a time though, right?

It's an awesome fall/winter day.. the wind is blowing, there was snow on the ground this morning. it took Shiela 2.5 hours to get to work. (more guilt).. I'm guessing that we're going to end up buying a house and moving closer to New Haven earlier than next spring.. but we'll see.

Ok.. I'm starting to fade.. so this is it for my morning diatribe. I'll feel better later.

What to say..

2010-11-06T20:28:00.004-04:00

I could easily write for days about why I haven't been writing lately. I used to write constantly and about 1/10 of the thoughts that I'd type out would make it to my blog after being appropriately edited for my loyal readers (my mom, my niece, three of my best friends forever that I don't talk to ever).. Two things happened.

One.

I've been wicked sick. Yeah. What's new. When I stopped working, I thought I was barely holding on with the sick days and trying to juggle life and work and managing to keep a steady heading. Well.. I was wrong. The last time I posted was a day after I turned 36. It's been almost 5 months. I got slammed with debilitating migraines. Sounds lame. It's a dumb headache.. suck it up. I couldn't suck it up. I couldn't think. I begged doctors to help. Eventually I ended up having two more seizures on a quiet Friday morning right in front of my 3.5 year old son complete with firemen and paramedics coming to haul me away in an ambulance to a local hospital only to be transfered later that night by ambulance 1.5 hours to Boston so that my high and mighty neurologists from the big city could shed light on the situation. The food sucked. The bed was a "smart bed" that kept inflating and deflating and changing my position on it's own.. it was posessed and it was the most uncomfortable bed I've ever slept in. We learned nothing about my headaches or the seizures.. it was irritating. I could have written daily.. only I didn't have the energy.

Oh.. and my computer snapped in half at some point and the laptop monitor is hanging on by a thread.

Two.

Absolutely everything in our lives turned upside down and half of the drama wasn't our drama to talk about. Shiela's brother's kids were taken away by child protective services and spent a month here this summer. Can't really write about it because it's too personal and it's not my life. Shiela lost her job at one ivy league institution only to be hired at another ivy league institution. We bought matching cars. I'm not working but I am consulting on one project.. sort of.

Really.. the reason I haven't been blogging is because I have trouble completing a thought.. I also have trouble sharing incomplete thoughts. The combination leads to no blogging for Jen.

Why am I writing today? I'm overwhelmed with the fact that I feel like I don't have words for anything. A college friend is battling cancer and got some rough news yesterday. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I relate with him on so many levels and he helped me deal with some other health issues when we were just out of college. Now he's fighting this fucker of a disease and he and his wife and two beautiful girls are coping with something that I can't comprehend. When I think of his battle I want to say the right thing to let him know that I think of him all the time. I just can't find the words. I feel like a puss for being knocked over by migraines. Headaches are stupid compared to something like cancer. Not exactly an eloquent or even appropriate way of expressing my feelings.

Then there was the 15 year old boy who was struck and killed while riding his bike home from a friends house late at night about a week ago. He was very close to a cousin of mine.. also in high school. The whole town seemed to feel the loss. I see my cousin's son posting this range of emotions on facebook and the responses of all of his friends. It feels like this ten ton heavy thing. ($10 for the first person to get where that quote is from) First thought: "oh my god.. i'd die if anything like that happened to ben" Second thought: "stacey went through this" which is followed by "i miss stacey" and then I circle back around to the cancer thing with zach because stacey's husband died of cancer and they have two kids.. and then i miss her kids for ben.. he doesn't really have any close friends now like he did in boston.

See? no train of thought.. it's random babble.. but there you go. That's where I am right now.

Misrepresentation of gay parentings in today's entertainment media... MGPTEM

2010-05-25T21:20:00.002-04:00

Ok.. so I could never put it into works like Lesbian Dad, so I'm going to link to the posting about Glee.

I'm not sure how they will handle the storyline from here on out. It seems to me like they are tiptoeing around a very serious subject that they just don't want to get into. Sort of like how the two guys on Modern Family never kiss, but all the straight couples do. Glee isn't about the daughter of two gay men and the complicated elements and relationships and emotions that could arise regarding a biological parent or a surrogate mother. It's a show about kids singing cool songs and it's meant to be fluff entertainment. I am going to take it as I think it is meant.. as fluff. I do want to say that I agree with Lesbian Dad on all aspects of the argument in the post I linked to above and I worry about the misrepresentation of gay parenting in today's entertainment media.

Nuff heavy stuff.. being a gay parent rocks.. we're always happy..

A side note about Glee

2010-05-24T21:17:00.002-04:00

The casting of Idina Menzel as Lea Michelle's onscreen biological mother is brilliant. There is little that could make the episode where they sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis better than the fact that Doogie sang Aerosmith's Dream On with Will Schuester.

As an aside.. the show lost me about halfway through the first season. I just couldn't get hooked. They reeled me back in with the Madonna episode and now I'm hooked again. I may even buy the CDs.

Happy Birthday to Otros Mommy

2010-05-24T20:31:00.002-04:00

That would be me.

It's been a good day. I almost lost it at one point and went into Best Buy with a credit card and purchased either something small and expensive or large and expensive. Luckily for my marriage, given my employment status and given the fact that we're moving, going to Kentucky and Shiela is losing her job and enjoying the freedom of unemployment (HAH) along side me over the next two months.. a big screen TV or an Apple iPad isn't in the budget. :)

Benji and I started the day by driving with Shiela to her work where the two of them hung out while I went to see my neurologist about these damned migraines. Turns out she's changing some of my meds and referring me to a migraine specialist in her office. Um.. yeah. This isn't something new. It's my own fault. After last spring with all the seizure/migraines/iron infusions crap.. i stopped going to the doctors and had a bit of a bout of depression. i even stopped going to my shrink. I can't blame anyone but myself for this not being further along. I was just SO tired of how invasive the medication reactions were. I was done. Now I'm back and ready to try new and strange medications that may make me twitch or my eyeballs swell or my tongue turn blue. One of these medications may help with my migraines.

After my doctor appointment, I picked up Benji and we went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles because like all good drivers, I waited until the last day to renew my license. IT. WAS. HELL. Check my facebook profile or leave a comment if you want a rundown.. I just don't have the energy to tell that story again. Let's just say that I'm lucky I'm not in jail for having dropped my son off at the RMV and bolted with my $50 license renewal fee.

The day has gotten better since then.. Shiela got me an edible arrangement that I've almost polished off with the help of my son. It's bedtime for Benji.. so in a few minutes there will be blessed silence.. the quiet in the house that only happens when the fair orange-headed boy is fast asleep and Shiela and I are able to breathe and get ready for a well deserved night of rest.

One thing that I've noticed about being home with Ben versus working at a desk job. At the end of the night.. regardless of whether it was a "good" day or a "bad" day, I feel like I accomplished something. I feel like I worked hard. I feel proud of myself and my family. It's strange and something that I wish I could have experienced with my previous job. There are a lot of things that I'm proud of.. Projects that I worked on and engineering tasks that I completed and problems I solved. Times when my work had a direct impact on people's lives.

That's one major bonus of working in the architectural/construction world. Your recommendations become something concrete. Heck.. sometimes my recommendations were to add concrete. BWa-ha-ha-ha.. Ok.. dumb joke. I drive by buildings that I helped build -- however far down on the priority list acoustics is for most projects. I can count on one hand the number of times I got into bed after work with the feeling of accomplishment that I feel every day now. Now that I've experienced it.. it's not something I'm willing to let go of.

I don't think I've mentioned my new title. Otros Mommy (i may have that spelled wrong). It's spanish for "other". Benji calls both of us "Mommy" but when he's trying to differentiate between the two of us, he calls me otros mommy and calls shiela "other one mommy".. i'm not sure how she got english and i got spanish. We're just rolling with it. Adam says that when Ben says otros mommy it sounds like "ultra mommy".. i'd take that too.

Dreams

2010-05-23T22:24:00.002-04:00

Ok... so it's been a while..

I'd write all about what I've been up to since I stopped working in April.. but it's a long story, so I'll just sum up. (cryptic quote from The Princess Bride)

We've been busy. We're moving to Springfield (of the Massachusetts variety). It's not the prettiest city in the world, but our neighborhood seems decent and our neighbors are nice.. hell.. we've talked to our neighbors.. we've been in our current place for 5 years and only know the cute girl down the block. We have to pack up the old place, paint and clean up the new place, and move. The official move is the first week of June. Benji and I will be heading to Kentucky the following weekend.

Shiela is finishing up her life at Harvard Medical School. This would be a bit more straightforward if my number one assumption had come true. Me not sitting and stewing in my office each day was supposed to result in an improvement to my health. Given that I've been into the emergency room twice in the past two weeks and Ben has spent a good 4-5 days in daycare and Shiela has had to stay home a number of times... my plan has been foiled.

Good news.. we have great help. Beck has watched Ben almost every weekend for several weeks now so we can get things done. Morphine is also a wonderful medication that takes away the feeling that 4" rough cut nails have been driven into my skull.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 36. Birthdays are big things for me. I look back at the past, think about the present, and dream about what the future holds. I remember 25 being a tough one. I thought I should be married with at least one child, a house and a cat. 26 was even worse.. not only did I still not have the things I was supposed to have when I was 25.. but I was moving away from home, I was effectively ending a relationship that I had believed was "it" and I was starting a new job in a new city and I was all alone. It was the best thing I ever did. (only now, ten years later, can I say that).

Now.. here I am. In a few hours, I'll be 36. I am moving back home from the city where I grew up in so many ways. I have left a career that had run its course in the form that I was taking it in. Now, two months into being unemployed, I've realized that I love my son more than air and every second I get to spend with him is a gift and I thank my wife for giving me the opportunity to stay home with him even though I was making a shitload of money at my old job.

I've found myself surprised. I've spent more and more time thinking and planning and taking concrete steps toward independent consulting in acoustics. I have 15 years of experience and am great at what I do. The problem I was having with work was the form it was packaged in. What was in the package, I still enjoy and still see a future there (in the field.. on my own). Will I go through with it? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe next month I'll have another epiphany and will decide to be a trucker. Less surprising things have happened in my life.

The thing that is different at this point in my life? I'm not worried about where I'll be in five years or what I'll be doing. .. and this time it's not because I'm suicidal.. *cross my heart*.. it's because I've come to the conclusion that we are making changes based on what it will take to make us happy. Will we be five years closer to "our goals"? I don't know.. because instead of waiting for the end.. spending my time waiting for that goal.. working for it.. but hating life while putting every ounce of energy into striving for that goal.... that goal isn't my goal. Living my life and enjoying every day is my goal. In five years.. we will be somewhere.. hopefully we'll be healthy.. it will all be ok.

And. I. Believe. That.

While it's not related.. I just watched last weeks episode of Glee on hulu and have attached a link to the song I dreamed a dream from Les Mis. There is a line that has always hit me pretty hard. "I had a dream my life would be.. so different from this hell i'm living.." It still chokes me up to listen to it. I can honestly say that a year or so ago when Susan Boyle sang it and it became this huge sensation.. I heard those words.. words I had memorized in high school because it doesn't get much better than Les Mis.. A year ago.. I heard those words and thought "yeah.. tell me about it.. that's exactly how i feel".

Today.. those words still choke me up. I'm not in that position anymore though. My heart goes out to those who are. There are too many people who feel hopeless, helpless and trapped in lives that they can't "fix". No change is easy.. but we only get so much time in this life and there is nothing more terrifying and sad than just watching those days pass you by while you're waiting to finally find the elusive "goal".

Ok.. Glee clip.. i'm getting too deep, even for me. For those of you who read my blog posts.. know that I'm happy. I'd be happier if the migraines would get the heck out of my life.. but I am happy. I am relaxed. I am enjoying every day (even the painful ones) and am dancing on days when it's beautiful outside and I feel well.

Some would say that I'm on the slipperly slope to 40.. I've passed the "hump" of 35.. now it's all over. I'm actually looking forward to 40. I wonder what life will be like then.

Ok.. Glee clip.. the dumb widget is supposed to just include one scene.. but for some it's showing the scene, for others it's showing the whole show. The whole show is awesome, but the song I was talking about is toward the end.

Jock itch.. so much to learn..

2010-04-12T19:59:00.002-04:00

This is one product that I never saw myself purchasing. I absolutely crack up at the diagram on the front of the package with the highlighted area in yellow.

This started as the "diaper rash" from hell.. and when one prescription cream didn't help.. there we were.. after a trip to the pediatrician.. standing in the athlete's foot/jock itch section of CVS. They should make a version of Lotrimin for children so that you don't have to stand in that section. It's sort of like standing in front of the wall of condoms that are always in plain sight of the pharmacy and all of the elderly grandparents sitting waiting for their prescriptions and frowning on the teenagers trying to figure out the difference between the 70 brands that are available.

Come to think of it.. that's another subject that i know nothing about. I'm worried enough about buying ben his first cup when he starts sports. I learn something new every day...

How we spend our weekends...

2010-04-11T14:12:00.005-04:00

Since I moved to Boston back in May of 2000, I have spent at least one weekend if not two or three down in Connecticut. I love Boston and I do consider this area that we live in now to be home.. and I'm a bit sad to be leaving Arlington. There are parts of it that I really love.. the ability to be in downtown Boston in fifteen minutes is one of those things. The ability to stumble on a "Spring Festival" put on by a Chinese cultural group on a random Saturday and take part (on his own accord) in a small demonstration of martial arts for kids.. that is part of the diversity that is hard to find outside of a city like Boston.

That said.. I miss Windsor Locks, CT because it is my hometown.
I miss Ellington, CT because that was my first journey away from home and I liked living down the street from a farm (and kept Yankee Candle in business while I lived there.
I miss Manchester, CT.. wait.. no I don't.
I miss Malden, MA because it was my first REAL journey away from home, I made some great friends, learned to love Chinese food from an awesome place who never understood that we lived on Tufts Street and not at Tufts University and the town always smelled like toast.
I will miss Arlington because it is where we started our family. All of Benjamin's firsts have happened here.. well.. except when he said his first work (bye) at my dad's and when he took his first steps at my dad's... but you know.. other than that.

With the exception that my mother is hanging out in her mansion in Kentucky with the horses in the back pasture, moving back to within 30 minutes of the rest of my family is very exciting. The weekends probably won't change much though.. we spend all of our time at my sister's in CT already..

Ben can talk now... and this is his "haHA! I know something and I know how to say it!" We have to be careful about him now..

A few weekends ago, we finally got to play outside at Aunti Beck's.. Spring rocks. We also had a special visit from one of my long time reader and blog commenters... "S". Sean Bravakis went to high school with Beck.. which means that I was in the same school with him for one year in high school and since we went to the same college, we technically were in the same school again for one year in college.. although the baseball players didn't hang out often with the music majors and definitely not with the engineers. He now checks my blog daily.. smart boy.

Shiela and I were actually able to sit on Becky's back deck and relax for a while because Ben was way more impressed with playing with them than playing with his boring old moms.

Super Happy Boy.

Another Super Happy Boy.

I have to throw a pic in of Beck too.. this is where Benji gets his curly hair..

This picture cracks me up.. all three of them thinking "hmmm.. how the heck does this thing work?"

Sean.. let me know if you want a real copy of any of these -- I can email you the actual file without being resized with the Copyright note on it.

Scratch that..

2010-04-09T11:16:00.001-04:00

The bathtime ended with me telling Ben that no, he couldn't have more soap and then he returned the sentiment by pouring a bucket (why does he have a bowl that big in his tub toys anyway?) all over the floor. Then he proceeded to tell me off in baby-babble until I got him dressed and sitting in front of a bowl of yogurt.

I saved the laptop though.. success..

A little imagination..

2010-04-09T10:47:00.002-04:00

Wi-Fi rocks...

So I have been trying to figure out a way to be able to check my email, occasionally blog (yes, Shiel.. blogger has spellsheck), and play Mouse Hunt on Facebook during the day. The problem is that if the laptop is out.. Ben and I end up playing tug of war (yes.. my own fault.. but he's cute playing games on sesamestreet.com and pbskids.org and nickjr.com and... well.. you get the idea.

Currently.. Ben is in the bathtub.. I'm sitting in the bathroom with the laptop on a tray table.. simultaneously caring for the little dude and playing on Facebook. He's turning into a prune.. so this will be short lived.. but it's a step in the right direction.

it's April??

2010-04-08T21:51:00.002-04:00

Ok.. good lord..

I think the announcement that I've gotten used to being a stay at home mom will be when I figure out how to do things like blog again. When I first started this new phase in life.. I had this grand idea to like.. blog the first 365 days of being home with my son after working for 20 years.

Since I left work... I have blogged twice.

In my defense, life has been all sorts of hectic. I could write for hours, but well.. it's 10pm and tomorrow is racing toward me like an energetic red headed three year old.

I'll sum up:

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE spending more time with Benji.

2. I surprised myself by forgetting to eat for several days because I was so busy with Ben.

3. Shiela mixed things up a week after I gave my notice by getting laid off.

4. Yes.. I said that.

5. We threw all of our options up in the air and decided to take the plunge and do everything in our power to forward our lives in a positive direction.

5a. First step -- move home. I moved to Boston in 2000 and I'll be completely honest in that it was the best thing I've ever done. I never went away to college.. I never really stood on my own. For me... ME.. to pick up and move a few hours away from my bubble of a life that I had created and leave a partner that I had thought I had started a life with and to leave my family who are more important to me than air.. this was HUGE. But I also grew up. Here I am.. ten years later.. and moving home.

5b. Second step -- find a home. We browsed for a bit but have decided to stay in Massachusetts and have found a house in the Springfield area with the idea that in our next "lives", both shiela and I will likely look for work in the Connecticut River Valley (which for those of you who aren't up here.. extends up to vermont).

ok.. i'm tired of numbering my thoughts. We're moving.. both of us are psyched to be less than 30 minutes from Windsor Locks (my hometown) and close to my sister(s), niece, nephew, half of my parents and Benji's great grandmother and great grandfather. I'm also psyched about having a whole house.. walls.. doors.. yard.. the whole shabang..

The other thing that has kept me/us busy over the last few weeks has been the ongoing feud with our downstairs neighbor. I won't go into all of the details, but the final ending to that story is that he's been booted from the apartment and has to be out by the end of this month. I'm relieved for the future occupants of our place.. they won't have to live over loser-boy.

So those are the hot topics... I'll hopefully be back in less than two weeks to provide a more comprehensive and interesting update.

btw.. Sean.. I haven't forgotten to upload your photos... they are sitting safely on my computer and are waiting for Benjamin to let me have a turn on the laptop.

Cute mommy blogger.. nope.. Mr. Mom here..

2010-03-24T22:32:00.002-04:00

Ok.. so I'm not a "Mr.".. but I'm feeling like I need to watch that movie again. Visions of making grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothes iron and the whole vacuum cleaner scene mark incredible parallels with the past few days of my life.

I had grand ideas of blogging this transition. I still may.. but it won't be as I had originally planned.. which involved sitting peacefully at 8:30pm after Benji had gone to bed typing while smiling and laughing as I told about the adventures and antics that had filled our day. I thought -- hey.. maybe I'll blog every day for a year.. really journaling this experience for me to look back on (fondly of course) in the future.

Well.. it's Wednesday.. we're 3 days into it and this is really my first real update. If you're friends with me on facebook, you've seen some general updates and if you're savvy enough to follow twitter, I may keep up with that through my cell phone, which has been my only link to the outside world for the past few days... thank god for internet access via cell phones and text messaging.

Ok.. in short. We had a rough start. The transition is an absolutely huge ten ton heavy thing of change to cope with. As a change-a-phobic (there must be a word for that), I was prepared for my role change from full time engineer/acoustics consultant to full time mom to be like bunji jumping.. you know.. mostly incredible thrills that are worth the "oh shit" moments when you realize that the little shit beautiful 3 year old has cornered the cat with a lightsaber.

Ben started off the week with a bit of a cold and a low grade temp. Just enough to be cranky. It was POURING outside.. so plans to get out of the house were derailed as I didn't want to expose him to the elements (um.. i'll get over that quickly) and in general.. i was in a haze. As a result.. the house sort of blew up.. toys everywhere, dishes undone, cats laying on unmade beds, benjamin running through the house like Max from "Where the Wild Things Are" (one of the top 10 best children's books... movie is great too.. for kids over 25).

Shiela came home and of course took one look around and smiled nicely and made a comment about wow.. it must have been an interesting day. I, in return, snapped her head off. How dare she criticize me for not having things perfect.. i was tired, damnit! I had spent the day with a sick child who was pretty much running things and making his own rules while I ran after him saying "no honey.. don't pour your yogurt on the hamster". It was the first day... Shiela did swoop in.. we had a steak dinner and took it easy.

Day 2 (Tuesday), wasn't much better. I had progressed past the daze of "oh my god, I'm not going to my office.. the office I had been in for 10 years.. oh my god.." to "holy crap.. the house is a mess.. we're moving in a few months.. and what do I start with first.

This is where things stuck with the overwhelmed Mr. Mom kicked in. I had a headache.. Ben was still sick-ish.. he is adjusting to not being at daycare and has about the same reaction to change as I do. he is ok.. but wants my sole attention 24/7. i don't blame him.. i'm cool. BUT.. this is hard to do when the house looks like a tornado hit and the cats are kicking cat litter around the kitchen. Plus.. still raining.

We picked Shiel up from work for an excuse to get out of the house. I dropped the two of them off and headed over to my spa to use my gift certificate for $150 from Shiela.. I opted for some extreme hair removal. Pain.. is an understatement. I forgot that I usually take a vicoden before those appointments (just kidding). I did take an anxiety med so I could relax a little.. it's seriously painful. At the same time.. once the endorphins kick in.. you actually walk out an hour later feeling like you had a great workout. I was feeling clean and pampered (with smooth legs) and got home to a VERY flustered Shiela dealing with a VERY flustered Benji.

Turns out our psycho neighbor got pissy again and came up yelling at Shiela to "turn it off".. um.. the only thing that was "on" was the 3 year old.. and they don't come with off switches. Plus.. we do everything we can to minimize his noise because we know we share a duplex with another person. The guy is just a loony jerko. The second time he came up, he banged on the door and then ran down the stairs back into his apartment. Shiela decided (and I agreed) that he's run out of chances and the cops will start being called. We've already given our notice to the landlord that we're moving at the end of our lease.. but I'm sure he will side with us regardless anyway. I just want to fluster the jerko (neighbor) with the big Arlington police dudes telling him to cool his heels.

SO... I put ben to bed.. he was asleep by 8:30 for the first time in months. No nap and lots of tantrums will do that to you. Shiela and I were asleep shortly after hoping for a new day.

Today was a LOT better. I'm starting to lose consciousness, so I'm going to blog about it tomorrow.. but the short version is that Ben and I had a great day.. he had a post-op appointment with his ENT that went great and a visit with his audiologist that also went great showing passing threshold of hearing tests in both ears (good thing) and played at the park.. had a nap.. I got some paperwork and cleaning done.. and took a short nap myself.. then we went off to pick up shiela at work again. All is happy in our world today.

I've only touched the tippy tippy top of all the change we've got in store for us for the next few months. I'll leave one teaser. We'll be moving "home" (for me) within a month or two.. we have a single family house lied up about 30 minutes from my hometown (go Raiders! woot!) and it will feel WONDERFUL to be back closer to my family again.

Ok.. I'm falling asleep.. goodnight.. good night moon.

Me? A SAHM?

2010-03-19T20:11:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't frequency mom blogs or mommy-message-boards.. a SAHM is a "Stay at Home Mom". There are so many things to think about and absorb. I think my first order of business is to detox from 13 years of acoustics consulting.

Stay tuned for my adventures as an acronym!

Change.. good Bowie songs

2010-03-17T22:05:00.003-04:00

David Bowie is a strange dude.. but one of the best songs of all time was recorded by him in April of 1971 in London. It's one of those songs that you just crank to 11 and it makes the world's unknowns make sense.

Plus.. it was quoted in the movie The Breakfast Club in 1985 when I was about 11.. and I'm on a kick of 80's movies lately.. they all seem very deep.. maybe I'm just REALLY ready for my extended vacation.

From the Breakfast Club opening

And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through...

Seriously.. download the song to your ipod and crank it on your car stereo with the windows open while stuck in traffic at rush hour and you'll get it.

So... I digress.. My blogging frequency has declined lately.. I've been busy. I keep wanting to write.. and need to find a way to write while doing other things.. easier said than done. Maybe I can hire someone to walk behind me and take notes.. or hey.. I've tried from the cell phone.. but it's too hard to keep a 3 year old from running into the street (his new hobby) and/or drive while blogging.. so you all will just have to wait until I have ten minutes in the evening after Benji is asleep and before I have crashed for the night.

In my last post, I made a mention of "How much change is too much change".. I suppose most of you assumed I was talking about the huge ass changes I have that are all obvious and right out in the open.. like leaving my career of 15 years to be a stay at home mom and all the upheaval that goes with that decision. To be honest.. I'm at peace with all of that. I've felt better in the past two weeks during brief periods between panic attacks than I have felt in years. The panic has started to decrease as I've wrapped more and more things up at work. The more that is no longer unknown makes me feel safer..

At the same time.. everything seems to be coming together in a weird strange nutty sort of way that you'd never plan for. I just have this feeling that we'll look back in five or ten years and think "damn.. that was nuts.. but that was the beginning of everything really settling down for us".

Could I ::BE:: more vague?

Some random items. We're moving. We won't be renewing our lease at the end of June. That, in itself, is huge. I get very attached to my home and it means a LOT that I consider the building and the street and the town that we're living in right now to be "home". Moving from "home" is hard. At the same time.. there are some things about where we live now that we are very very VERY ready to distance ourselves from. City living is not for me. City living is not for Shiel. Some of our friends who actually live in Boston and not in the suburbs laugh at us for calling Arlington, MA "city living". We live in yuppie-ville.

For comparison.. we've been looking around at apartments. One of those apartments was in a town with a population of just over 1000 and it doesn't even have a middle or high school.. the elementary school has 100 kids.. one class per grade. There is no trash pickup. There IS electricity. It's in the middle of a forest.. literally. The outside of the house is nothing special.. it's another duplex. There aren't really other houses around.. one or two.. then a forest.. then another one or two. It's a ten minute drive to anywhere. But... BUT... when you stand out in the dirt driveway in the evening and look up at the sky? There are more stars than I remembered even existed. Will we go that drastic.. who knows.. we have several months to figure out where we will make our new home.. but it's exciting to think of the possibilities.

We're also ditching the minivan. It's on the expensive side and we're trying to cut costs where we can. Wanna know what we're looking at? A ford eff-ing pickup! I was the proud owner of a Ford Ranger XLT ("Harvest Gold".. i.e. tan) before Benji was born. Now we're thinking of going with the next step up.. an F-150. Part of the logic behind this is that we may move to no-man's land and need to haul our trash to the dump. Since I married a dirt worshiping granola crunching tree hugger.. we don't have much trash (besides diapers).. we have a LOT of recycling.. but that stuff still would require hauling.

Plus... we're lesbians. The minivan has been a hoot.. we played the soccer mom thing for a bit.. but I want my truck back. The truck was more "me".

In other news... I have TWO days left at work. Then I'm out of there. The next chapter will be starting soon and I hope to blog as much of it as possible so that I can look back and remember this time years from now.

I have very few memories from Benji's first six months. I was very ill when he was born and we had the hectic crazy world of NICU time and by my two week post partum check, the post partum depression had started to kick in. It wasn't until March when things got really bad, but still.. I look back over photos of Ben's first months and while I remember some of it.. I don't remember so much. It's something that I still grieve.

Shiela is giving me an incredible gift of giving me time to be with Benji now.. I won't be able to reclaim those first few months.. but I will be able to go an explore the world with him and collect rocks and feed ducks and play with trains and all sorts of fascinating wonderful things that I wouldn't have the time to do if I was working 40+ hours a week and racing on the weekends to catch up on housework. Shiela came right out and told me, a few weeks ago when I was worrying about money, that this was something that I needed and that she needed to give to me. I can't tell you how much it means to have a spouse who gets it. We have to make a lot of life changes (like I can't get an iPad) to make this all work.. but we have a plan and to be completely honest.. I feel like we are hitting the "restart" button and the entire world is in front of us.

Oh.. and I get to go to Kentucky for 3 weeks to visit Grandma and Grampa Illick with Benji.. that will rock.

Now that I'm starting to ramble.. I'm going to draw this to a close and let you know that next week my camera is coming back out and our new life starts..

Minus work stress... what's left?

2010-03-10T21:50:00.003-05:00

Ok.. so we made some major progress today at my work. As you may have noticed for the past week.. I've been cranky. There was one last hoo-rah of just chaotic nonsensical nothingness that would have a major impact on my days.. I just need a set plan.. I'm a complicated person.. no doubt.. but if you take the unknown out of the equation.. just about everything else in my worried mind settles right down.

So I finally have an end date. I HAD an end date a week ago.. but then it all got shaken up with questions over whether there was enough work to keep me useful (what-evah..) and disagreements over the color of the sky and the speed of sound. Tack on crazy schedules where we couldn't get 4 people in the same space at the same time and it took a week to figure out a "transition plan" for my official exit (re: kicking down the double doors).

My last full day will be next Friday, the 19th. I'll be on call for the rest of the month and 100% officially done on the 31st. Well.. with the one exception that I have one project that will have me back working for the company on a contract basis sometime later this summer... but extra cash is always welcome.

So you take all that stress away and what happens?

I spent the remainder of today at work being ultra productive.. got a LOT done and enjoyed doing it. I then had an appointment with my therapist where I didn't cry.. and I actually didn't have any worry/panic issues to discuss.. no tragedies to solve.. we just chatted, very logically, about how I interact with others and what my weak points are and what my strong points are and how/when I manage to stand up for myself (which I did this week.. *clap hand on back*).. Assuming no major catastrophes over the next week.. I will actually be leaving the company on good terms and with the feeling that they treated me with respect and dignity during my exit.

After my appointment, I half walked and half took a bus over to the new pizza place near our house and had dinner with Shiel and Benji. Ben was in rare form and had been beating up on Shiela and with her FMS, she was hurting from head to toe and was done by the time I got there. I had a piece of pizza and then headed out with Ben and we walked home.

We jumped all of the cracks on the sidewalk and held hands the whole way. When we got home, we went into the front yard and he "picked blueberries" from the from shrubs (pretend blueberries). Then we played for a few hours and he's now sound asleep.

Subject of tomorrow's post... "How much change is too much change...?"

One of the hardest things I didn't do..

2010-03-09T14:53:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, we told Ruth and the folks at Ben's daycare that I was going to stop working and he wouldn't be going there (at least regularly) anymore. When I say "we" told her.. I mean that I sat in the car and cried and Shiela told her.

I may have to break my rule...

2010-03-09T13:03:00.003-05:00

..about not posting about work shit. Seriously.. once you give your notice and one foot is out the door.. is there any reason for them to make your life hell? Oh.. sorry.. not hell.. just limbo.. I don't have an end date yet. It was March 31.. then it was the 15th.. then it was the 19th. My office is packed and at any moment I may kick down the double doors and head out and pump my fist in the air like Judd Nelson's character in the Breakfast Club.

Too many taboo topics...

2010-03-06T22:19:00.002-05:00

Ok.. so I was on a roll.. blogging every day-ish.. enjoying writing again.. it was great. I quit my job to start this great and wonderful transition in my life (mid-life crisis? I'm hoping I'm not at mid-life.. that would have me knocking off at 72.. actually 72 sounds like a good goal.. so bring on the mid-life crisis!!!)

Ok.. so then all this stuff starts happening. Some of it I can blog about. Some of it I can't.. yet. I may start a competition with some huge fancy prize like a handmade clay sculpture made by Benji to the first person who can guess all the blanks in our madlibs life.

SO.. on top of there being items that I just wasn't comfortable blogging about and tacking on Benji's rough time post-surgery with a nasty secondary infection and antibiotics and all sorts of chaos and days home from school. Then there's the fact that while I've blogged about quitting my job.. I still stick by my "no blogging about work" rule.. it just seems like bad form. So when I am in my last month at the place, some of my coworkers are pissing me off and half of me finds it funny and half of me wants to kick crap.

Some things I'm just not comfortable blogging about. My brother-in-law and his wife are having problems and it's caused all sorts of chaos down in Texas causing lots of worry up in our neck of the woods. I could write pages and pages about all of the ups and downs and emotions that go along with being in a family where your nephews are pulled out of their home by protective services. I don't feel like I can write about our feelings about the situation because it clearly violates my brother-in-law's life story.. he doesn't read my blog.. but Shiela's mom does and this is all very hard on her as well.. it just doesn't seem like a container of feelings that I should write about.

I could write about the apartment hunt. You'll probably be hearing much more about that over the coming months (our lease is up in June). I plan to start my time after I finish up at work just throwing stuff away and donating so we don't have to move it all. We're debating locations to live in. We have a price range and some criteria.. we basically want to be in a more suburban environment with a little bit of a yard (hopefully fenced in) and other things like washer/dryer hookups. We've spent time driving around different towns to get a feel for areas we are interested in and areas that are just ghetto. I've done the ghetto thing in Malden.. no more Brazilian gangland territories for us..

I could write about how addicted I am to the game Mousehunt on Facebook.. it's awesome. I won't.. that addiction irritates my wife.

I'll probably write about Ben. That never gets old.

Ear tubes in - check. Adenoids out - check.

2010-03-01T19:18:00.002-05:00

I want to share the whole story... it's really quite amazing.. Benji is doing amazing.. I'm a bit too tired to do more than post some photos now.. I'll try to fill in the blanks of the story at some point tomorrow..

In the waiting room...

Getting ready -- minutes before Benji started itching from being allergic to whatever detergent they used on their linens.. that johnny didn't last long..

Mommy and Benji in recovery just waking up...

Benji at Anna's birthday after-party on Saturday (2 days post-op)...

Should I skip sleep?

2010-02-28T21:56:00.002-05:00

Nah.. that would be physically impossible. I'm one of those people who can sleep 12 hours a night and STILL take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. Yes.. I'm taking a multi-vitamin and yes, my iron levels are fine (note for my mother who is making a list of things to text me about).

I have lots to blog.. so much. I want to write about Benji's surgery last Thursday. I want to write about how awesome his daycare provider and her family were for stopping by on Saturday to surprise Benji. I want to write about how awesome Ben is doing post-op. I want to write about how I'm concerned that I'm starting to understand Fleetwood Mac songs. I want to write about how we found out that Ben is learning to play chess with Ruth at school. I want to write about how I worked extra hours and appeared at a town hearing this past week AND worked half a day on Saturday and how the song "Don't you forget about me" from the movie, The Breakfast Club, plays in my mind every time I was out of my office building and I have an image of me thrusting my fist up in the air like Judd Nelson's character in the final scene of that movie. I want to write how worried I am about my nephews in Texas. I want to write about how worried I am about my wife because of how worried she is about her nephews in Texas. I want to write about how I'm worried about how much of a tax return we'll get back given that I went and quit my wonderful and inspiring job (I'd NEVER be sarcastic on my blog). I want to write about how I'm tired of not being able to write because my son wants full access to any computer that is turned on in the house to play on sproutonline.com and nickjr.com. I want to write about how I want to go to Kentucky to visit my mom and the $600 that it would take to get both Benji and me down there is just a little out of my reach right now (refer back to worries about tax returns).

Mostly I just want to write about Benji and brag about how cool he is. I also want to state, for the record, that I think my sister, Beck, should have come up here this past weekend.

I could write about how Shiela just poked her head into the bedroom to see what I was doing (I'm writing and playing MouseHunt on Facebook -- a raging addiction) and watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics and seriously considering a move to British Columbia. Anyway.. I got teared up writing about my mom and Shiela walks in and almost falls over laughing because I'm a scene out of "Something's Gotta Give" while sitting at my laptop with tears dripping down my cheeks and pooling behind my glasses.

I'm also disappointed that the USA lost the hockey game today.. but slightly proud of our future home country assuming we move to British Columbia. Hell.. Ryan Renold and Michael J Fox came from there..

I could also write about my failed attempt to make a cute pendant for Shiela for her birthday with Benji's fingerprint on it. It would have worked fine if the little shit didn't keep grabbing the clay and throwing it across the kitchen and then squishing any decent imprint impression I managed to get.

So that's it for me at 10:15pm on a Sunday night. Ben is asleep.. both cats are curled at my feet.. and I'm going to bed. Hopefully this coming week will be more restful and productive than this past week. If nothing else.. I've officially started the countdown to my last day of work (March 31).

OH... I figured out what I was going to do when Ben goes to Kindergarten. He'll be going to school in about 3 years. The next winter olympics is in 4 years. That'll give me about a good year to train for the women's short track. It'll probably take that long to find those cool skates and one of those snazzy outfits in a women's size 18. I think the sponsorships from that gold metal win would easily supplement our family for a few years ... maybe Jenny Craig and Lane Bryant would make me their spokesperson? I think inertia alone would get me around that track.. and I could definitely take out some of those little young tykes in the sport.

I take it all back.. where's the life raft?

2010-02-24T13:01:00.002-05:00

Ok.. so change is good. Shiela tells me this.. my therapist (Ken) tells me this.. heck.. he even gave me a handout about it at my session yesterday.. maybe I'll share it later.. it's in the car. It's a hoot.

I would MUCH rather change one item at a time.. with a good space of a year or seven between each change. I'm up to my eyeballs at work trying to "transition" ten years of work to other consultants so they can handle my projects after I leave. Great! This is a fascinating and exciting thing. I also want to kick everyone out of MY office and tell them to get their damned hands off MY work. Hmmmm.. I may have to talk about that with Ken next week.

A bigger concern for me today is that Benji is going under the knife tomorrow. Ok.. I shouldn't have put it that way.. I just had to stand up and walk around my 8'x12' cubicle twice to keep from hyperventilating. Most of my coworkers don't know that I keep a paperbag in my desk for just this type of situation (ok.. I'm kidding.. I keep chocolate in my desk for this type of situation).

I'm nervous about Benji having his tubes put in and his adenoids taken out. We don't think they'll take his tonsils unless she sees some compelling reason to do so once she's in there.. but she's already said that she'd rather not unless he's having issues with sleep apnea, which he isn't. His issue is that his ears hurt and his adenoids are huge.. so we take care of that. I may buy him an iTouch or something.. I must buy him something to make him feel better. We've got ice cream and jello stocked up.. now he just needs expensive toys that he can play with while sitting snuggled on our laps for the next few days.

Ok.. so I'm going to be the one eating the ice cream and needing to snuggle on someone's lap for the next few days. I have the same reaction to the idea of Ben going in for surgery.. don't you dare touch my baby.. ::punch doctor in face::

I wonder if they'll give his hair a trim while he's in there.. it's really getting out of control. red curls are cute.. but the 'fro he's got going is truly chaos.. he's going to look like Shawn White soon.

A few recent Benji moments...

2010-02-20T23:03:00.004-05:00

The big question....

2010-02-20T21:52:00.005-05:00

The question that I've heard the most over the past few days:

"What are you going to do?"

Hmmmm.. that's part of the beauty of this. I'm 35 years old and I gave youth a good attempt complete with awkward adolecense. I gave college the good ol' college try and didn't do too badly. I've had a very successful career for the past 13 years.. This May would have been my 10th anniversary at my current company. I don't regret this decision in the slightest. I'm not afraid that we're going to wind up on food stamps or living on the street. Benji will continue to be the best dressed kid on the block (complete with nail polish of his chosen color).. all we're talking about here people is a little change. People do it all the time. Not people in my family.. but people.. trust me.. it's healthy.

"What am I going to do?"

Well.. we've got a lot of things to do right now.. I have about a month or so to finish up at the office. Since the type of work I did wasn't exactly 9 to 5 and since I managed my own projects.. there's a lot to do to move responsibilities around. I will probably spend most of most weekends between now and the end of March at work trying to tie up loose ends; finish up projects that can be finished and pass on projects that are more long term.

We're also looking for a new apartment or house. We've basically decided on an apartment for the next few years even though it sure would be nice to be paying into equity instead of paying someone else's mortgage.. while we have money to put down on a house, there are better uses for that money.. like as a buffer given that we need to adjust to living on one-ish income.

Looking for a new apartment is more challenging than it sounds because we now have a preschooler and need to find a town with a school system that we like just in case we're there when Benji starts kindergarten or when he gets into their special ed. program for his speech if that's determined to be a good idea. Finding a place in our price range is one concern of course.. but we're more concerned with finding a place with a yard for Ben to play in and a safe neighborhood (Arlington is grand.. it's yuppieville.. with the exception of the 2 registered level 3 sex offenders living within 3 blocks of our current house).. we're picky. we want a dog. We want to be out of the city.. but not so far out that Shiel can't have a reasonable commute (albeit by train.. but a train with wifi is a special train indeed).

We need to pack. If nothing else, my work schedule ending before our lease ends allows me some time to do some hard core packing.. and I'm sure Benji will be a great help.. *laff* We have to be careful.. the last time we moved, we packed a cat.

At least we don't have to move Orca this time. Orca was (may he rest in peace) our 14" long goldfish who needed to be moved from Malden to Arlington.. we rented a car for that one.. I'm sure they were trying to figure out the fishie smell for quite some time.

We have already gotten a year's membership to the Children's Museum in Boston.. can't wait to spend lots of mornings exploring and climbing and playing with friends.

We will get Benji going in the Boys and Girls club so he can continue with swimming lessons and gymnastics and fun stuff like that.

We are planning to trade in our car for something with a slightly more reasonable car payment with a slightly more reasonable gas milage. This is especially desirable since I tore the front bumper off during last weeks snow storm. (I'll have to post a photo).

I plan to continue blogging. I've gotten more, emotionally, out of blogging for the past few weeks than a year of therapy has given me.. this is good. As long as I keep being honest with myself and use this as a forum to air my thoughts and be open to the communities response.

The big change.. the one that has my mom in a cold sweat.. is that i'll be moving from being a "working mom" to a "stay at home mom" for a period of time. This is not a scary thing. I'm more worried about all the phone calls we have to make to change over our contact information and getting utilities turned on and off with a move than I am about the transition to being a SAHM (stay at home mom). Benji will be starting Kindergarten in a few years.. time is limited. Before I know it, he will be in high school.. I don't want to miss this time when we've worked so hard to be in a position to be able to do this financially. Will we be going on European vacations? hell no.. but we weren't doing that anyway since we've been relatively strapped while paying for the sky high rent in the city and the sky high daycare/preschool in the city. We have thought this out.. a LOT. No reason to worry mom.. this was planned.

What else will I do? Well.. I'd like to find things that I enjoy again.. I haven't touched my guitars in years. We have a beautiful piano (two, if you count the one at Grandma Jaaym's in Texas).. we have a child who is drawn to musical instruments.

Let me pause to say that I love Apolo Anton Ohno.

I also hope to do some writing. I've started a children's book. I have ideas for a short story. It's something I've always enjoyed but have never taken the time to do. Now.. the funny part is that being a stay at home mom is going to take so much of my time and energy that I'll probably be blogging about how i can't find time to write.. we'll see.

In the short term.. I'm going to work on Shiela's birthday present. I'm going to go to Verizon Wireless tomorrow to say a lot of dirty words for them selling me a phone that can't take video messages. I'm also going to register for the March for Babies walk for the March of Dimes.

Given that I've spent the past 3 years in full panic mode about dealing with my job and feeling like I'm missing out on everything in my only child's childhood.. and hobbies have included staring at Shiela at the end of the evening before we crash in exhaustion and complaining about how we are too stressed to enjoy anything.

This is a good thing.

OMG.. I did it!

2010-02-19T10:12:00.002-05:00

I just gave my notice at work. An extended notice.. probably a month and a half or so.. but an end date. For my few co-worker friends who check my blog.. we must go out for a drink after work some night soon. This is still on the down-low (well.. aside from me announcing it to the entire internet community).. so don't mention it to others here at work until I've had the chance to make the rounds (probably next week) to tell some of my closer coworkers in person. They'd already know if they read my blog... those slackers.. :) j/k

Ok.. now I have to breathe.. I haven't done that in about 24 hours...

Men in tights

2010-02-18T22:27:00.003-05:00

I'm watching the men's figure-skating long program in the Olympics. I haven't followed men on skates that don't involve 10 year olds with hockey sticks in quite some time. Back in the day, my ex was into it all.. and, by default, so was I. I found it fascinating.. but I also found it to be less schmaltzy. Maybe it's the outfits now. Maybe it's my fascination with Apolo Anton Ohno.. now THAT is what a male skater should look like. He even has cooler skates.

I have a big day planned tomorrow. I may go skydiving.. probably not. I may shave my head for world peace... probably not. Thinking about it now.. at 10:30pm.. either of those options sound much simpler and less nerve wracking than what I've got on deck. All are equally thrilling and I still may puke.

Mom.. cool your heals.. it has nothing to do with more grandchildren and while I'm not blogging it yet, I'll tell you.. you just need to call.. but not now and not when I'm sitting at my desk at work. Texting would work.. but my cell phone is completely dead. It must be driving you crazy. :)

There must be an 80's hair band song about this...

2010-02-18T16:31:00.003-05:00

I am getting ready to jump off of a proverbial cliff. Can't blog about it quite yet, but all I can say is that I'm going to try to hold on tight!

::grit teeth::

........ to be continued...

Choice and Life?

2010-02-17T19:42:00.006-05:00

I found out earlier today that a woman I know recently had an abortion. I can't decide what to write. I really avoid blogging about topics like this because the subject is SO polarized. I don't like conflict. I also don't know if this person still reads my blog.. probably not.. but maybe. There's also the fact that another woman who reads my blog had an abortion like 17-ish years ago and I know had some baggage over that. I don't want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings or.. well.. create waves.

This is really bothering me, though. I am infertile. I see the fertile-world through filtered glasses still. My chances of having a "whoopsie" are close to zero... First the planets would all have to be aligned and I'd have to have planted a potato at the last full moon (I'm not joking.. this really works.. ask anyone going through infertility treatments) and then at the appropriate time I'd have to trip and land on a pen.is and I'm not around those things very often.. well.. I guess I am.. but they are covered up and I pretend they aren't there.

I got off topic.

I am pro-choice.. politically. I think that abortion should be legal and safely available through the licensed medical community. I also think it's a much bigger issue than just misguided birth control. The naive teenager in me thinks that if people were just educated and careful, mistakes wouldn't happen, and if they did, then they weren't mistakes and there are always options and life is life is life is life. You might stop me there and say that I just contradicted myself by saying I was pro-choice and then making a comment that sounds very much "pro-life"...

As an aside.. I hate the term "pro-life".. it's like people who think that women should have control of their bodies and shouldn't have government rules apply to their reproductive system are "anti-life".

I am infertile. Most of my friends are infertile. Some have had children through a range of infertility treatments. Ben was conceived by IUI with ovulation induction and the help of a donor. Some were conceived with the help of IVF and egg donors. Some were conceived through IVF and various medical treatments. Some were adopted internationally. Some were adopted domestically. Some families have chosen to live childless.

I have friends who have lost pregnancies in the most tragic of circumstances. Most recently, a friend who lost her twins about halfway through her pregnancy. Another friend who lost her child and almost lost herself about halfway through her pregnancy and who has gone on to adopt a beautiful little girl. Another friend who conceived triplets and had to have a selective reduction for her own safety knowing that she could not carry triplets to term and would have lost all three (and maybe herself).

After hearing the news today, it hurts my heart to know that there was a potential little person who is no longer because he or she was not wanted. I would have taken him or her. Yes.. that's a very emotional response.. I can't save the world.. I can't take in every child that needs a home.. I know this is bigger than I can even comprehend. I also need to give this woman some credit.. there is obviously more to this story than what I know.. I know that there were medical issues with her last pregnancy and there are a TON of other issues that factored into the decision. I know and respect that she feels she made the right decision.

I think what I need to come to terms with is the view of the world that I have through infertility glasses. I still cringe when I see pregnant women.. maybe I always will.

I'm seriously debating whether to post this message or not.. this is just me trying to work through my feelings with words.

Do I still have all of my bumper?

2010-02-16T21:55:00.003-05:00

I'm still not sure. I forgot to check when I finally got my car into the driveway tonight. I guess the "good" news is that it had already been mangled by another snowbank during the last snow pileup.. but tonight was special in so many ways.

I left work at the normal time to haul butt across Cambridge and Arlington to pick up Benji at daycare. His daycare, if you recall from last year.. is at the top of Mount Everest. Our car.. a Mazda 5.. is a lovely car.. family-mobile.. perfect in every way.. almost every way. It's a piece of crap in the snow and because of the damned alloy wheels that are shredding from failed parallel parking attempts over 3 years we're lucky if we can keep air in the tires. Ok.. back to today.

I made the decision to go for the halfway point up Mount Everest. That halfway point is a public street and is treated and plowed as such.. I was fairly confident that I could get up that part and then, with luck, bully the rest of the way up, or.. park there and walk the rest of the way.

My plan didn't work out. I got halfway up.. threw it into a low gear and gunned it and hoped for the best. I got about 20 feet up the next section of completely unplowed roadway before the car completely lost its grip on the road and I just slid back in a counterclockwise motion. I "landed" with my front bumper up against a curb, stopped by a large snowbank. If I hadn't been so pissed.. I would have gotten out of the car and taken a picture.. it really was quite the move.

Now.. picture this.. it's 5:22pm. 95% of the parents seem to pick up their kids between 5:25 and 5:30pm.. when the daycare closes. So yes... there were about 10 other cars also trying to get as far up the hill as possible. Those that were already up the hill had to wait for me to dislodge my vehicle before they could go anywhere and those that were down the hill had to either wait (if they had 4WD and felt lucky) or park their cars and walk... waving at me with "holy crap that could have been me" eyes.

Right when I was about to leave the car for dead.. a very nice plow driver stopped on his way up the public part of the road and pulled over and came over shaking his head saying "oh no.. this is bad... this is wicked bad..." He shoveled sand/salt around my tires and plowed areas he could reach without hitting my car (all of this while other parents are coming and going with their kids) and then he pushed me out. I'm not sure if all of my bumper came with me given the crunching sound.. but I was happy to be free.

I then parked the car.. thanked the very nice man profusely while he was still saying something about "wicked hahd ta get cahs round town t'day" .. and I walked up the hill to pick up my son.

Benji was sitting on the couch playing drums with Ruth. She laughed as soon as I walked through the door. She had heard from all of the other parents about my predicament. She asked if the car was still stuck and if she should have Memo (her son) come to help. All is fine. I'm back to being relaxed..walking up an icy slope will do that to you.

Given that I had to get Benjamin back down the mountain.. I opted to get him completely geared up with all of his snow gear. Let the screaming ensue..

When we walked outside, Benji was very concerned about all the snow all over the ground and told me to be careful because it was icy. Thanks, kid.. just wait for the hill. As we started walking down the hill.. we found that the big city plows had made it to that intersection where I got stuck. They were a big peaved that my car was parked on the street near that intersection but they can bite me.. it's not a snow emergency route and it's wicked hahd to get cahs round town t'day.

Unfortunately.. Ben was a little afraid of the huge plow truck that kept banging around.. so we just waited at the top of the hill until they finished plowing around our minivan and then we headed down the slope. No injuries to report.

The drive home was uneventful.. there wasn't much to go wrong given that it's just about 1/2 a mile on a straight unsloped road.

Well.. that was until we got home. See.. we have a shared driveway.. it happens with a two family house. Our neighbors were already parked and appeared to have not moved for hours.. and the plows had very nicely plowed heavy mucky snow across the end of the driveway. There is enough room.. when our neighbor is parked, for us to drive past him and park up by the garage. BUT.. there's a few inches of clearance between the cars and a few inches of clearance between our car and the shrubs/house.. ice and snow pack at the end of the driveway isn't conducive to getting into the driveway without hitting either the house or the neighbor.. and since I've hit other neighbor's before (well.. their cars)... I opted to park on the street and shovel out. It's irritating to shovel when the landlord pays for a landscaping service to do snow removal.. but they are never there when you're stuck at the end of your driveway blocking traffic.

That's about it.. Ben helped me shovel.. we came upstairs and tossed our wet coats over the old steam radiators and put Tom and Jerry on.. Shiela got home a few minutes later and made a pit stop at the steak place across the street for some steak and seafood.. so the night ended on a better note..

I still don't know the status of the front bumper.

Surgery date set...

2010-02-16T16:56:00.002-05:00

Next Thursday, the 25th.

Tonight.. we time his breathing to see if they will take the adenoids or both the adenoids and the tonsils. I was "ok" with the whole ear tubes thing.. especially after doing the whole routine twice. The idea of them "cutting" something off of him really bothers me though.. I trust the doctor completely.. but this is NOT something I had planned.

Ear tubes going in (again).. adenoids coming out.. gah!

2010-02-16T11:05:00.002-05:00

Ok.. so Benji saw his ENT this morning. He had a raging ear infection last week and we've been on the wait and see list for going back in for a third round of tubes.

As it turns out.. the ENT also recommends removing his adenoids. They are very large.. obstructing his breathing when he sleeps (he snores like an old man) and have actually started making "typical" changes in his facial structure (i didn't know this could happen). He has a VERY high arched pallet and the areas just below his eyes has started flattening. It is something that is a cue to the ENT that the adenoids are too large.

Interestingly enough.. we found out that the binky.. yes.. that evil binky.. is actually doing him GOOD. It's soothing for him and given the adenoid issue.. it helps him breathe. Eff all y'all who told us to throw it away!

Ok.. that's a bit harsh... maybe I'll save the f-bomb for the dentist.

So.. we'll get a call later today with a surgery date. It's an outpatient thing. (good God!).. he'll have the surgery on a Thursday and assuming all goes well, he should be back to normal and back to school and eating/jumping/hearing by the following Monday.

There is a slight chance they may take his tonsils too. They want us to watch his sleep patterns with a watch with a second hand and see if his breath pauses for more than 4 seconds while he's sleeping/snoring. If so.. out come the tonsils.

I had an agreement with God.. 2010 was going to be easier than 2009. I've worked on my end of the bargain.. I think He needs to step it up a notch. Send prayers and/or positive thoughts for my little man! I'll keep you all updated as we learn more.

Missing friends...

2010-02-15T11:03:00.003-05:00

Our friends, Snickollet and her twins, Ya and Ya (Maddie and Riley) moved to Oregon last summer. It was, without question, the best thing for their family. Everyone agrees with this.. but more than 6 months later, we're still sad. I decided to pull together some links from old posts that I wrote about the kids as they started their friendship. It made me laugh.. to remember some of the antics.. wishing I had a pic of the three kids polishing off all the avacado at Ixtapa.. But to actually sit down and write about it makes me cry a couple tears.. one or two.. oh hell.. i've gone through two boxes of tissues.

We met Stacey and the Ya-Ya's on April 1, 2007.. Benjamin's first day at daycare. What we didn't know at the time was that Stacey's husband, John, was in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and would be lost less than two weeks later. We didn't know this couple.. we knew Stacey in passing.. I don't think we knew her name yet. But both Shiela and I heard the news about John and it saddened us for that family and it terrified us for the unknowns for our own family.

I'm not great with making friends.. I'm shy.. I don't talk on the phone. All things that make building a new true friendship quite difficult. What I didn't know is that having kids helps.. and Stacey isn't shy! She also doesn't talk on the phone.. but she's more than comfortable saying "hey.. come over in your pj's and I'll have ice cream and we'll watch american idol after the kids go to bed" (which became a weekly routine for several seasons of the show.)

Money is tight. Time is tight. We haven't been able to see Stacey or the kids since their move. That's not for a lack of trying.. we've tried to sell the cats on Craig's List and no dice. We'll find a way.

I put together a few links to some blog posts that I wrote about some adventures the kids had together back in Boston. Hope you enjoy.

A trip to the farm.

Time in a bottle.

Summer Fun.

This is my favorite.. :)

The Chomp heard around the world.

Miss you guys...

I love him.... I really do.. Apolo Ohno

2010-02-13T21:28:00.003-05:00

I think that a good 95% of the Winter Olympics should be set with short skating... who's with me?

Time Zone Schmime Zone

2010-02-13T06:35:00.002-05:00

Just because they aren't awake in Vancouver... I am.. I see no reason where there's no Olympic coverage right now. At least they could have those heart warming stories that always make you tear up as you take another bit of ice cream.

But no.. I'm left to watch some informerical of about the magicJack.

Benji is a hero

2010-02-12T20:54:00.002-05:00

I've always known this.. but today he proved it.

[Disclaimer: He is 3 and didn't realize that play-doh qualifies as items too small to give to babies]

This morning, there was one baby who was upset when her mom and dad left (she's less than a year old). This is pretty common for her and Benji is one of the few that can calm her down. R put them both in high chairs in the kitchen away from the overwhelming chaos of the main front room. The kitchen opens into the front room.

R gave Ben some play-doh and the baby got some baby toys. She moved the baby's chair to a distance that was much further away from Ben's chair so she couldn't get to his stuff. As she moved into the other room to keep welcoming the other kids in along with the other 3 providers. Ben made his mode.

He has just learned to share. The baby's high chair was across the room.. but Ben has a good arm and thought she would like to play with some play-doh. He didn't realize she would put it right in her mouth... which she did.

He immediately screamed "Mommy, mommy, mommy" for R (when we're there she's Grandma.. when we're not there.. she's Mommy"). She said.. just one minute (in spanish). He sternly said "NO!!! Mommy, mommy, mommy, now!" She can hustling in to find the baby with a small wad of play-doh stuck to the top of her mouth. Thank god she hadn't tried to swallow it or choke on it.. but we were all very proud of Benji for recognizing the emergency and insisting on help RIGHT THEN.

What a brilliant kid (and lucky baby)

Vancouver

2010-02-12T20:44:00.001-05:00

Every two years I sit waiting patiently for the opening ceremony for the Olympics to begin. I know.. after years and years of watching this ceremony, that by the time they get to Canada, I start cursing the fact that we live in the United States of America which happens to be Waaaaaaay at the end of the alphabet.

I :HATE: Doctors.... hate hate hate

2010-02-12T16:37:00.002-05:00

I have had a migraine for 3 days this week.. Monday, Thursday and Today. I called my primary care physician this morning at 9am (when they open) and left a message for my doctor's nurse explaining the situation and asking what to do. I waited.

At 1pm.. after their lunch.. I called back. The receptionist asked if I had left a message.. I said "yes". She (she's awesome by the way).. put me on hold and went back to talk to the nurse. The nurse said that she had my message and was just waiting for word from my doctor.

AT 4:00 PM, the nurse called me to tell me that my PCP wanted me to call my neurologist. It's 4pm... do you REALLY think the neurologist's office is going to be welcoming to someone calling at the very end of the day? Of course.. I got her voicemail and apologized over and over for the timing and explained what my PCP did and asked what she thought I should do and could she call me. My options, as I see it.. are going to the hospital for more substantial pain meds.. which I don't want to do, or getting a prescription for an injectable form of Imitrex, which works.. but the tablets hurt my stomach.

It's now 4:43... they aren't going to call back. I hate all doctors. The good news is that I do have meds that help.. it's just that they only help for 4 hours and then the migraines come raging back.

Anyone have any advice?

I started writing...

2010-02-11T17:17:00.003-05:00

I had an upswing at one point today with my migraine and decided to put some of the ideas I had last night onto "paper". It felt great. I don't know if it's any good (and I'm not sharing until it is done.. but Shiela liked it.. :)

Working outside the home.. except...

2010-02-11T08:53:00.002-05:00

So.. let's count. I won't even go back to January 1 on this one. In the past two weeks, I've been out of work 4 days.. actually.. more like 4.5 days. Two of those day were spent taking care of Benji during his virus/ear-infection/seizure-recovery days last week. I worked all weekend.. but it was catch-up work and didn't really help my chargeability.

This week I was home Monday with a migraine and am home again today with a Migraine. Even better.. I woke up at 5am and tried to go to the bathroom and fell into the sink (hard to do in a bathroom as small as ours) and then fell into bed.. pressed my head into a pillow to get a little relief and woke Shiela up to get my pain meds. She's so good to me. She also got me a puke bucket "just in case".

Today will be spent sporatically checking my work email and voicemail hoping nothing comes up that would require me to focus (even with my glasses on) because eveything is blurry. I just loaded up Netflix on my computer and plan to put my "face-bra" (eye mask) on to block out the light and listen to the movie.. which I've seen so many times I can picture it in my head.

In other news... since I was up so much last night.. I have a few ideas and thoughts. First.. Ellen has breathed new life into American Idol and I love it and I love her.. she's hot (that's the pain meds speaking). Second.. I am going to take a stab at writing a children's book. I don't know the business.. I do have an idea though.. and the star character is Benjamin Bailey.. watch for me.. it's going to be the next Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel. Or maybe I'll sell it out of our living room.. or maybe I'll just give it away.. either way.. it's something that has me interested and thinking (of course.. that could be the pain meds.)

A tour of my site

2010-02-10T11:26:00.004-05:00

Anyone who has been reading this blog.. or my last blog, Two Moms and a Baby.. knows that I'm a geek and I like moving stuff around on my site and changing things like backgrounds and text colors.

Given all the changes.. I wanted to take a minute to point you all toward a link toward the top of the main page.. it's just above the main picture of Ben. There are two links.. one is "Home" and one is "My Favorite Bloggers". The "Home" one just takes you to the main blog page.. but the other one brings up a list of some of.. well.. some of my favorite bloggers.. check them out. Their sites are way cooler than mine. Just don't forget me...

"don't forget me when I'm gone... do-wah.. my heart would break..."

Ok.. got that out of my system... on to more pressing items.. like watching the flurries come down while everyone in my office runs around debating when to leave because of the blizzard..

Facebookers like my blog!

2010-02-09T12:34:00.002-05:00

Hi guys..

If you haven't noticed, I've created a Facebook Fan Page that is tied to this blog. They are not the same thing. I don't post all of my blog postings to the Fan Page.. that would irritate people. I mainly post product info and tips/tricks that Shiela and I have picked up over the years and the occasional random photo of Benji.

While you can't see everything that's on my blog from the Facebook Page, I ::have:: created a widget (don't ask.. it's just a internet word like "tweet") at the bottom of my post on each page that allows you to scroll through recent postings on my FB Page.

Clear as mud? I know my mom will call for a walk-through and she's going to be worried that she missed something. Basic rule is that fun fluff goes on FB and fun fluff AND important stuff goes on the blog. K? k...

If you have a Facebook account and you want to make me feel popular.. click on "become a fan". I have 41 fans right now.. i'm shooting for more fans than the "When I was your age, Pluto was a planet" Page, which has 1,837,942 members. I have few people to meet.

As a teaser.. if you don't check the FB now.. you'll miss this:

Just a spoonful of sugar

2010-02-09T08:53:00.004-05:00

I'm not the first one to deal with this. There are plenty of sites available with lots of home remedies to help get your kids to take their medicine. Heck.. even Mary Poppins had an idea. Golly.. even pediatricians and pharmacists have ideas. I know what works for my kid though (actually.. this is all Shiela.. so let me rephrase that.. "Shiela knows what works for our kid."

Ben is on Augmentin.. it tastes like chalk.. it looks like liquid chalk.. it tastes like chalk (I already said that). We've never had a problem with him taking meds.. but with this one.. it was a no-go. SO... Shiela stopped at the pharmacy and had them add bubble gum flavor (same taste as his Motrin.. which he takes with no problem) and since their flavor packs don't add color (still looks like chalk)..

She added food coloring. We now have pink, bubble-gum flavored, Augmentin. And he will take it!

I did my best to throw a kink in the works by offering him a piece of chocolate if he took his medicine. So how he expects chocolate with each dose (of Augmentin, or Tylenol, or when *I* take my own medicine). Shiela wins mom of the month with her idea. I'm going to go get slapped by the dentist for my idea.

Noun plus verb plus punctuation = sentence

2010-02-08T22:36:00.002-05:00

I seem to be going through the opposite of writer's block. I want to write all of the time. I have a lot to say. Some of it isn't "bloggable" yet.. most is. The problem is that the only time I have to write is after Benji goes to bed.. which.. these days.. is after 9pm.

Another concern is that I don't really have a "theme" to this blog. Some people write about parenting. Some write about green approaches to costruction. Some write about politics.. religion.. their jobs.. their marriage.. photography.. music.. grief.. joy. My blog is just about my life.

To make it more challenging, I have an agreement with myself to avoid talking about politics, religion, my job, and any of the typical minor blips and bumps in my marriage and parenting responsibilities. This is going to end soon I think.. With the exception of my job (which is think is unethical to blog about).. I'm going to attempt to avoid being afraid of backlash. If I write about politics.. people may disagree.. this is ok.. I'm open to their comments as long as everyone stays respectful.. plus... I have the ability to delete any negative posts... bwa-ha-ha-ha.

On that note.. Shiela and I are watching Terminator Salvation.. so I must turn my attention to that. More soon...

Restart the clock; seizure #6

2010-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

[Disclaimer: Grandma I. and Grandma Jaaym.. don't panic.. it's all fine.. this is just me musing about it all after the fact.. Ben's fine.]

Well.. we don't have specific proof because we didn't witness the actual seizure, but both Shiela and I are 99.9% sure that he did, in fact, have another one a few nights ago. There has been a nasty virus going around that all the kids at school have or have already gotten. Ben was out of preschool from last Friday through this past Wednesday.

On Monday night at about 2am, Ben woke up and called to us from his room. This, in itself, wasn't too much of a waving red flag.. but he usually does just come in our room and climb into our bed by himself. I went in to check on him and he was roasting. I took him back to our room, took his temp (it was 103) and gave him motrin and something to drink. His temp dropped and he went back to sleep.

On Tuesday, we brought him to the doctor for the second time in 4 days. We found that no.. he still didn't have an ear infection, although he has fluid in one of his ears, and that yes.. it's still the same virus. He was contagious until the temp broke.. ish.. and being the overprotective types that we are.. we had planned to keep him home for a month (just kidding).

For the remainder of Tuesday his temp stayed down and on Wednesday I stayed home with him just in case. It was a TERRIBLE day. He was destructive, hitting, screaming.. just being an all around PITA. I was exhausted by about 9 AM.

I had an appointment with my therapist that afternoon and Benji was going stir crazy from being inside for almost a week. I called over to Ruth and she more than happy to take him for about an hour so he could play with the other sick kids. (note: Mom.. he had been fever free for more than 24 hours... so I wasn't breaking the rules).

Things moved along.. work was crazy for Shiela and me.. trying to catch up after both missing two days of work covering for Benji's time home. Benji continued to be a terror. Very difficult to control.. VERY rough at daycare.. we initially wrote it off to him adjusting to being back after being gone for a week and maybe he still wasn't feeling 100%.

Yesterday (Friday), when we picked up Benji.. he was sitting with Ruth.. and neither looked very happy. There was a tube of elmers glue sitting next to Ruth. We just took one look and were like.. "uh oh...". Ben was the last kid there and he had just taken a three second opportunity when Ruth ran to the bathroom to rip all of her decorations that the kids had helped with off of the living room wall. It was another day of him being a nightmare.. he threw an entire dish of yogurt all over some of the other kids.. just general destructive stuff. The weird part was that he was in a good mood and the lash-outs didn't fit with the typical temper tantrum.

Ruth mentioned his seizures and said that this was exactly how he was when he had his seizures and that she was worried about it. Shiela and I took this to mean.. maybe he was working on some pre-seizure activity especially with the fluid in his ears and we decided to bring him in to his pedi again today (3rd time in a week.. are you proud mom? Ben's working on his own wing at ABC Pediatrics).

Update:: Approximately 8 hour later...

Everyone concurs.. little dude probably had a minor seizure or at least some pretty significant pre-seizure activity. Nothing really to do about that but ride out his mood swings while he gets back on his game. He's still in the category of typical febrile seizure disorder since we've only had 1.5 seizure that was unprovoked..

More importantly, he now has a raging ear infection. Doh! We were pretty sure that the fluid in his ears was bothering him but as of his last two visits this past week -- there was no infection. Not anymore.. his poor right ear looks painful!

The doctor was awesome (and Ben is such a good kid).. she let both me and Shiela look in both of Ben's ears.. one had just fluid but no infection and the other was infected. It was amazing to be able to see it (and a bit gross), but at least we know what they mean when they take a peek and say "whoa.. that must hurt".

We'll be calling his ENT on Monday morning and I'm fairly sure that he'll have his third set of ear tubes in within two weeks depending on how full their surgery schedule is.

No high sticking..

2010-02-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

Our adventures begin long before we get to preschool each morning...

YAY! How much wood can a woodchuck chuck...

2010-02-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

I can talk again!!! Yahoo!

Fun at the pediatrician's office..

2010-01-31T08:08:00.000-05:00

Some 3 year olds are "adequately suspicious" when it comes to sitting in the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in. Not our kid. He immediately scopes out the area for things to play with.. usually the cool lighted gadgets on the wall do the trick.. or the blood pressure cuff. This time, he opted for the latex-free gloves.

Listen carefully to this video.. he says "Don't touch me.. I'm sterile".. and "Fire Power" (reference from Night at the Museum 2.. pronounced "fi-ah po-wah")..

The doctor came in and chuckled and said "well.. he looks like he's feeling pretty good.." Damn.. $15 copay down the drain. He's got a bad cough which he did show off during our visit and he has a low fever.. so he does have a virus. More importantly.. his ears aren't infected and his lungs sound fine.. so that was worth the $15.. :)

Voices Rising and Benji's singing Momma...

2010-01-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

I'm writing this from my cell phone while listening to Shiela's choir
warm up for tonight's concert. I saw the same program last week and
it was great.. But the sound is awesome in this church.

it's a lot of fun to watch her enjoy this so much. I wish Ben was older
and able to sit through a 2+ hour concert.. He's at home with Aunti
Beck. I wish i could sing... I mean.. I sing a wicked ABC song and
"Run baby run"... But that's the extent of it.

Shiela is so quiet.. Most people don't know that she is a wonderful
pianist. Almost no one knows that she can sing like an angel. to be
honest.. I had never heard her sing.. Not REALLY sing.. Until about two
weeks before the first show when she couldn't get the show out of her
head and was singing the vacuum song all the time.

All of this makes me want to pull my guitar out..

Update: The show was wonderful.. Shiela's small group piece (Swing Low) and her reading of "Housework" from Free to Be You and Me was just spectacular and got a roaring applause from the audience (which filled the church.. yay). I was so proud. I only wish that our moms could have visited from Texas and Kentucky to see it. Maybe next time.. the theme of the next show is Dance. Hehehe.. I'm picturing something out of Glee.. but they will probably just sing songs from Fame and Flashdance... or maybe some Steve Miller.. "Dance, dance, dance". Hmmm.. or "Baby's got Back?"

If you're local.. check out Voices Rising.. it's worth the time... if you're not local.. buy a plane ticket and/or send a donation to the group.. they are looking for a new rehearsal home (I'm tempted to offer our living room.. hell.. we have a piano..)

In other news.. Ben has a fever.. blah!

Growing up..

2010-01-30T09:47:00.000-05:00

I need to watch more daytime TV...

2010-01-29T20:44:00.000-05:00

SOooooo...

My psychiatrist royally pissed me off. I knew he was going to. We really don't get along.. which doesn't bode well, generally speaking. I even "wasted" a whole hour with my psychologist on Tuesday worrying and strategizing how I was going to get through my appointment with Dr H. without letting make me feel helpless or hopeless.

For a little background.. I started seeing Dr. George. in December of 2008. I wanted a doctor closer to home (I had been driving a good 45 minutes each way for a 20 minute appointment). I selected a doctor in the same group as my psychologist, whom I've been seeing since getting out of McLean back in 2006.. so Dr. Ken knows me.

Dr. George welcomed me into his practice by turning my life upside down and changing my meds like 8 times within a two month period of time. Suddenly I was miserable.. panicking all the time, vaguely suicidal in an "i wouldn't act on it" kinda way and just feeling crappy in general. Then.. to top it off.. I had that seizure back in Feb of 2009. That capped it all off. I was right in the middle of a full blown argument with Dr. George over whether he was off his rocker for labeling me bipolar after seeing me 3 times and effing with my meds before getting to know me or my medical history. Dr. Ken agreed with me.. I suffer from depression.. sometimes worse than others.. I also suffer from generalized anxiety.. sometimes worse than others.. plus I'm agoraphobic and don't do well with social situation.. again.. sometimes worse than others. None of these things fit the bipolar label. Hell.. if I was bipolar.. McLean would have given me that label.. they are WAY into labels.

Ok.. so I called him on it.. I did research and I made an appointment to specifically challenge his diagnosis and I refused to take the new medications he was thinking of trying until I understood his rationale better.

It was at this moment that he totally wrote me off. I'd walk into his office and he'd say "how are you".. then he'd say "ok.. don't change anything and come back in 6 months". for a bit.. that was fine. i was going through the post-seizure testing and then the iron replacement and the last thing i felt like doing was messing around with psych meds.

Unfortunately.. time hasn't made this better. For the past few months I've noticed that my regular meds haven't been working as well on my anxiety. I brought this up to him. He said "I don't want to change your meds.. it's fine". I forced him into letting me try the Abilify. I figured that it couldn't hurt. He agreed and here we are..

I sound like my tongue got cut off. I even went to far as to figure out an internet/telephone relay system to use at work for days when my speech is really wacked. I went back to Dr George on Wednesday and he lived up to my expectations. He said "well.. i don't know what to tell you.. there is nothing i can give you.. what do you want me to do". At this point, I burst into tears and told him off.

SOOooooooooo... I took a mental health day yesterday and took the time to talk with my neurologist who is one of those cool doctors who actually knows me and spends the time to talk on the phone and really discuss things with me. While Dr. George was adament that it wasn't the Abilify (I quote.. "you can't prove that it's the Abilify.. it could be anything").. Dr Marie (neurologist) said "ugh.. you shouldn't have been on that in the first place since you have a pre-existing condition with the movement disorder. Dr. George told me that it would probably stop in a day or two or else it definitely wasn't related to the Abilify. Dr. Marie said that it could last for 2 to 3 weeks depending on how long it takes my brain to relax from the extra stimulus. If it's still bothering me then, then I'll go in to see her and we'll look into starting me on some other meds to help put it back into remission.

I tend to have a general feeling that people who file lawsuits against random doctors or random people who cause a fender bender are.. well.. trashy. I'm fairly sure that I'm going to file a claim against this guy though. I really don't care if I get any kind of a settlement.. I just want his medical malpractice insurance to show a hit on it. He's mucking with my life. I'm exhausted from trying to talk and in pain from the constant muscle spasms. He can bite me and my lawyer.

Now I just need to watch some daytime TV to find a "good" medical malpractice lawyer. Just kidding.. I have a strict rule against hiring legal help that feels the need to ambulance chase.

Suzy sell sea shells by the sea shore...

2010-01-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

Trust me... that's not what it sounds like when I try to read that phrase.. it's more like "shuzzi shehs she shehs by da she shoah"..

I went to my shrink about two weeks ago and told him that I wanted to get off of my anxiety meds (again).. and that I needed to change my regular anti-depressants because they weren't doing 100% and i was relying too heavily on the anxiety meds that should have been PRN (as needed) versus needing them daily. I'm not on the best terms with my shrink since we had a bit of a disagreement over his random ill-informed crapshoot of a diagnosis that he pulled out of his ass a year or so ago.

Anyway.. I told him that I wanted to try the Abilify, which was a med we had talked about before but hadn't tried it. So why not.. right? So here I am.. about two weeks into it. My speech started getting wacked at about the one week mark and so we dropped my dosage to 1/4 of a tablet.. the speech thing just got worse. I've been off of the new med since Saturday now and I think my speech is slowly getting better. It could be all in my mind.. but I'm going to assume that it's getting better.

In the meantime.. i'm ROYALLY pissed off. As it turns out.. I felt AMAZING on this new med. I felt calm.. relaxed... thoughtful.. interested.. interesting.. I was waking up before the alarm and getting up and ready for the day. I've had energy. I've laughed a lot. It pisses me off that I finally find a med that might be onto something and I have to stop taking it because i have that rare potential side effect.

In other news.. my cat is hacking up a hairball. I need a vacation to someplace warm...

Ghosts with loud car stereos...

2010-01-24T21:28:00.000-05:00

A few of the guys that I work with are being featured tonight on the National Geographic Channels special "American Paranormal". Watch for the guy with the red checked shirt.. that's Bob. This is very cool.. very proud of these guys for a good job done!

Obama-Car

2010-01-19T14:47:00.001-05:00

I went on a business trip to DC a few months back. While waiting in the airport on my way home, I picked up an Air Force One playset from one of the shops. It had a bunch of vehicles.. Air Force One plane, a helicopter, the limo, a SUV.. just cool stuff to get when Mommy gets back from a work trip.

It was a huge hit. His favorite ended up being the Presidential Limo. He called it his "Obama Car" ("bama-cah"). Unfortunately, we misplaced it around Christmas time. I have no idea where it ended up. He asks for it from time to time and gets all excited when he sees a real black stretch limo..

I'm home sick today and, on a whim, decided to try to find the diecast car to purchase. I wasn't going to buy the full set again because it wasn't cheap.. but I wanted him to have his Obama Car back. I was psyched to find that the Whitehouse Giftshop sells the Obama Car for just $6 (plus $7 shipping and handling).. it should arrive in a few days. YAY!!!!

Speech, language and a 3 year old

2010-01-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

It's 8:30p on a Friday night. I'm in my jams with a cold Diet Coke and a granola bar. Benji is in the bedroom reading a Thomas and Friends book with his Mamom and I've got American Idol on. The first two shows have been waiting for me to find time to sit down in front of the television. This is the first time all week that I've watched something besides Blue's Clues or Tom and Jerry. I feel good.

I thought I'd take a few minutes to update you all on how things are going with Ben and his words. Let me take a moment first to say that yes.. I'm going to vote next week in the Massachusetts Senate special election to fill the seat left open by the late Teddy Kennedy. But I am going to rip my telephone out of the wall and crush it into a thousands pieces and then put those pieces into the microwave until they explode in a wheezing flurry. The reason? The phone has been ringing off the hook for days with election polls and "last minute" attempts to swing my vote. Between that and the fact that both Bill Clinton and President Obama are making trips to Massachusetts to support this race while there are other things that could use their attention (Haiti?).. bothers me. greatly.

Benji is laughing.. one of those classic baby belly laughs. :)

Ok.. back to Monday.

Benji had his initial consultation with a speech and language pathologist at Boston Children's Hospital. It went really well. Ben's hearing has fluctuated over the past few years with his ear infections and tubes. We know he can hear.. and hear quite well.. he can hear airplanes in the sky that I have to struggle to hear. He can also tell.. just by the sound.. whether the flying vehicle is a jet plane or a helicopter.

Anywho.. we've watched his speech forever. We've always been on the line.. is his speech delayed.. is it a normal "boy" thing.. is it a bilingual thing.. is it his personality. The little dude is me all over again.. when faced with the option of interacting socially with your peers or playing with legos/cars/trucks by yourself.. the legos win every time.

We learned a lot. The speech therapist's suggestion is to start Ben in speech therapy for 1 hour a week and reassess in 6 months. His language and speech was solidly in the 24-27 month old development stage, but could be more advanced. There's only so much one can get the little man to talk in a 3 hour period of time. He very clearly told her that he didn't want to read her books.

Since his appointment.. he's gone through a communication boom. I don't know if it's that she performed some magic during the games she played with him.. or if we learned ways of communicating with him better.. or if he was just ready for another jump in skills. All of a sudden he is talking with us.. we still have a lot of screaming and hitting.. but he's talking.

Some new Benji quotes:

"Mommy, that scare me."

"Mommy, don't touch my head."

"Mommy, why?"

"That's not an airplane, it's a helicopter.. Mommy funny!"

"I want Grampa. I want watch TV with Grampa."

...and tonight when we were trying to buckle him into his carseat he says:

"Ouch.. that hurt my pen.is"

It's official.. I cancelled the old blog..

2010-01-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

Today is the day. Twomomsandababy.com no longer belongs to me. Woo hoo! I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't fixed the formating issues with the site. I may just leave it this way. The most popular blogger I know never messes with her blog layouts and she has a bazillion readers..

I have three categories of readers:

1) family and friends.. this group is great.. they are loyal.. you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family's nose.. or something like that.

2) my ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend.. they are more than loyal.. in fact, i have restraining orders against them. I'm kidding of course. ..of course..

3) people who found me through "the most popular blogger i know"..

For this reason.. I have come to the conclusion that "my readers" are more interested in hearing about our crazy life than they are concerned about my font size. (although post date and time WOULD be nice.. "undefined" has a cool mysterious quality about it.

Code expert needed...

2010-01-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so why are the dates/times not showing up right? The site has all the info correct.. but says the dates are "undefined" and it changed my sidebar images.

Irritating..

In other news.. Benji had his consultation with a speech and language pathologist yesterday at Children's Hospital. It went well.. we're waiting for the report, but in short his language and speech is about a year behind developmentally which could be a major cause for his frustrations and behavioral.. um.. challenges.. (like when he grabs my glasses off my face, throws them across the room, and then tries to gouge my eyes out with his little grubby fingers)..

He will be starting a program for speech therapy soon and we'll go from there. I'm sure I'll elaborate at some point.. but at the moment, I'm too irritated by the formatting issues of this site.

Other things that piss me off...

2010-01-10T19:26:00.001-05:00

How am I supposed to write when I finally switch back to Blogger.com and something immediately gets screwed up and all the dates and times on my posts are Eff'd.

Seriously. Irritating. Plus.. I still have a headache.

Things that cause irritation...

2010-01-08T16:09:00.001-05:00

I've had a headache since Monday. It has been a migraine since Wednesday. This makes me very angry.

Benjamin has grown a bit..

2010-01-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

Benji turned 3 years old on December 19, 2009. It's hard to believe. Here are a few pictures from his birthday through yesterday... more to come!

Doctor's.. pah.. I'll take Ruth..

2010-01-06T20:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged much over the past year. If I had.. you would have read a lot of cranky posts about having migraines and the side effects of migraine medications and so forth. I'm still having migraines, but they seem to be fewer and further between.

That said.. it's not because any doctor came up with a magical fix. The closest we got was my ENT realizing that my migraines were aggravating a salivary gland and causing additional pain in my neck.. so a med has helped with that.. but that doesn't change the migraines. I've had a CT scan, an MRI, an EEG, bloogwork, a colonoscopy (they were stretching there) and aside from picking up on a partially unrelated issue of iron deficient anemia.. they all came up with nothing.. nada.. no clue.

Yesterday.. when I was picking Ben up from daycare.. Ruth takes one look at me and says "do you have another migraine?". I didn't. She smiled and shook her head and moved on with getting the little man ready. Later in the evening... migraine. This afternoon.. migraine.

When I picked up Ben today I put my hands on my hips and said "Ruth! you asked me out of the blue if i had a migraine and I said no.. but then 3 hours later i had a migraine.. first in over a month.. how did you know?" She smiled sweetly and said "do you know when you're getting a migraine?" I do.. I get auras that last for 10-15 minutes before a major migraine hits, so i know it's coming. She just nodded and smiled and then moved on to talk about some of the things Ben did today.

That woman just knows.. I'm telling you.. she's like psychic, but in a medical sort of way.. she just knows what's ailing you. Too bad she can't write prescriptions.

In other news.. Josephina (other daycare helper) laughs and says to me.. "I was changing Ben's diaper and he said "Mommy hit me". I almost fell over. I'll admit.. he's gotten the occasional swat.. on the thigh then he ran out in the road laughing after i told him not to.. and on the hand a few times after hitting me until i quickly learned that it didn't help and it just made him hit back harder.

After fumbling over myself trying to figure out why he told daycare that I was hitting him.. I remembered that this morning he had thrown a tantrum while I was changing his diaper and I said "stop kicking me.. mommy doesn't hit you.. why are you hurting mommy". He obviously only took part of that message with him for the day.

The Obama 'Copter

2010-01-05T10:32:00.000-05:00

the setup: All three of us leaving for daycare/work. Benjamin had already thrown a few tantrums over not wanting to get dressed, eat breakfast, put his jacket on.. you get the picture. I talked him into heading out to the car by saying "hey.. bring your helicopter outside and you can fly it to the car".. so we bring his "obama copter" outside and he carefully sets it down on the sidewalk and steps back.. then looks at me... and says (with big blue puppy dog eyes).. "mommy.. push button".

He wanted me to make it fly like the one at the mall. total fail. I explained that this was a special helicopter (aside from being obama's) and that we had to use our imagination to make it fly.

He proceeded to pick it up and throw it..

..into a snow bank.

Two thousand and ten.. or twenty ten..?

2010-01-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

These are the questions that keep me up most nights.

Actually. Benjamin is what keeps me up most nights.

I'll start by apologizing for my lackluster blog activity over the past year. Trust me.. 2009 was just one of "those years". I turned 35. Nothing good can come of that.

I'll continue by withdrawing my apology. To be honest.. I didn't feel like blogging. For me, blogging is a way of working out ideas. I had no ideas in 2009. Trust me.

There were a lot of ups and downs last year. I won't bore you with the details.. it would take me days (probably months) to summarize all of the stories that I would have shared if I had felt like sharing. Those stories will probably find their way into new blog posts in one form or another. I have lots of photos that will also find their way here in one form or another.. contrary to popular belief.. a teacher has a life outside of school.. and a blogger's life goes on with or without the blog.

That said.. I miss writing. I miss making myself laugh.. yes.. I make myself laugh. I miss writing about seemingly boring and mundane aspects of my life and then looking back a year or two later and marveling at how crazy and random life can be. I will look back on 2009 and see very little.. Trust me.. it's better to run around with your eyes closed tight and your fingers jammed in your ears while singing the Alphabet Song than it is to document every second of your life.

I'm thinking positively. 2010 is a work in progress. I have lots of big things planned. Absolutely everything in my life is under construction at the moment. This blog is one of those things.. I'm not sure whether I'll post daily or monthly.. or maybe I'll change the font color of the blog daily but not actually write anything.. so many options..

It's 9:47 on a Monday night. Benjamin may be asleep. If he is asleep.. it will be a victory for Shiela.. she has taken care of bedtime duty tonight. I spent the first hour in silence watching the Food Network with the volume on the TV turned down. Then, I thought.. "hey.. I should write."

So here I am.

Last night... I had bedtime duty. I failed. Ben won. After being knocked in the head twice with a half-full sippy cup (it sounded like a cast-iron frying pan hitting my noggin).. and a few yelling and thrashing sessions (on my part).. Shiela stepped in. Both Benjamin and I had to have a time out and Ben finally dozed off while I seethed in the other room.

Of course.. the peace only lasted until about 2am.. when Ben came into our room.. climbing in between us.. very sweet.. right? That was GREAT until about 20 minutes later when Shiela had a dream about a big bug and woke up swatting at Benji.. waking him up.

It's now 9:55pm. I hear snoring. It is either Nanook... or Ben. *cross fingers* Wish us luck.. we REALLY need more sleep!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2009-10-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

Ok.. so I needed change. Anyone who knows me knows that "change" is a relative term for me. I really hate major change. I don't like the unknown. I don't like uncertainty. I wish that my old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt that recently disintegrated could still be worn (in public.. legally).

But with all of that said.. it is time.

Welcome to my new space. You may know me from Two Moms and a Baby.. which has multiple homes and domains and has even had floral borders. That doesn't seem to inspire me to write anymore. I'm still a mom. I'm still married to another mom. We still have a baby. Our "baby" is more like a little kid now. While coming up with a new name for the blog.. one thought was "hey.. i'll go with TWO MOMS AND A LITTLE KID" or some variation on a theme. How gay.

I opted for something different entirely. This will still be a blog about me.. stories about my adventures, interests, daydreams. Oh hell.. who am I kidding. It will still be all about Benji.

NEW BLOG -- hey.. it almost works...

2009-02-17T15:14:00.000-05:00

Hi all.. Ok.. so I've almost got this blog thing set up..

www.twomomsandababy.com

(because www.tmaab.com was already taken by the painters.. *grin*)

It is now active although I have a bit of work to do to fix some broken links from my transfer from blogspot.. i also have to relink some of my photos from old posts.. but all new posts will go through the new address. woo hoo!

Well, I'm back.. sort of.. laff

2009-02-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so the good news is that I'm pumped about being a blogger again. The challenging news is that I love to make things challenging. I'm halfway through transferring my blog to Wordpress.. the challenge is that to do it right (i.e... to not lose my readers or my site rank status).. I have to actually pay attention to what I'm doing.. pah! Anyway.. Here is a link to my latest post.. I wouldn't recommend changing any of your links to my blog yet.. I'm hoping to have a domain name set up soon and then all this dumb computer crap will be a bit more stable..

My latest post -- "Thank you, Presidents".. a little bit about my weekend..

Midlife Blog Crisis

2009-02-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

I have a goal. That goal is to get a domain name registered and establish a hosting arrangement for my blog so that I can use the much cooler interface of Wordpress without losing my account with BlogHerAds.. which has made me a whopping... $0 so far. I've almost got enough hits to make my first $25 off of ads.. so it's a shame to drop them now.. I've come so far.. At the same time.. blogspot.com's interface has become irritating at best.

So here goes.. it will probably take me a bit to get this transition taken care of.. but my goal will be to have my blog moved to this address (tmaab.wordpress.com) in the near future and when the time comes that I can afford the $100 that it will cost to get my domain name set up (what a great Birthday idea.. a gift card to www.godaddy.com).. I will move over to a more permanent location and get the ads up and going again.

As a bit of a teaser.. I've also started a new blog that will be completely anonymous.. no photos.. no real names.. just my thoughts. It will probably be chaos and I'm not giving out the address.. :) At least not until I determine if I'm capable of posting anything more enlightening than "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy..."

In other news... let's see.. what's new? I haven't posted in a while. I guess I've hit a writing dry-spell. If it's any consolation, I haven't been taking many photographs or even watching much on TV these days.. just chugging through the winter days waiting for spring.

My health continues to be a wild ride for a 34 year old. I have stopped letting my shrink make any changes to my meds after having a string of bad reactions resulting in me going all "One flew over the cuckoo's nest". I'm finally feeling normal again and have stopped nibbling on plastic checker pieces (just kidding.. that's a mental hospital joke for those of you out of the loop.. *grin*)..

....just in time for my brain to start melting. Just call me Ms. Migraine.. i'm currently on my third migraine of the week. IRRITATING.

In other news.. Benji is doing great. He's got his tubes in and has had a string of colds and had croup and he's still managing to keep us on our toes. Last night he and I were brushing our teeth.. he does a great job. I leaned over the sink to spit and before I had a chance to react.. he dipped his toothbrush in my spit-foam and put it back in his mouth. *HEAVE* How nasty! I guess this is all a learning process and I have to start being a bit quicker on my feet!

I do have a ton of photos that I took during an impromptu trip to Cape Cod that we took this past weekend. It was heaven. It was also VERY cold.

Hope yer all well..

We're not immune..

2009-02-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

The person who I am closest with at my work was laid off this morning. This makes me very sad.

It's been a year...

2009-02-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

Link to my post last year.

It has been a year since Ben's first seizure. God that day sucked.

It could be worse..

2009-02-04T09:40:00.000-05:00

When I dropped Ben at daycare this morning, after having a relatively uneventful morning, one of the other parents was dropping off her two daughters. She looked a little haggard. As I was heading out, I saw her hand two ziplocks to Ruth.. one had both girl's socks.. they had both refused to wear socks. The other ziplock had one of the girl's underwear.. she had absolutely refused to wear it. I don't feel so bad for dropping Ben off with FOUR binkies...

Blog Boycott

2009-02-03T14:26:00.000-05:00

As you can see.. I've been boycotting my own blog for a few weeks now. My "fan base" has really dropped.. you'd think people actually wanted to read some updates! Alas, I haven't really felt like blogging.. no reason in particular. I'm sure I will be inspired sometime soon and then I'll be blogging 3+ times a day.

Caution: Toddler Vomit

2009-01-22T14:59:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so when I dropped Ben off at daycare yesterday morning, everything was just fine. He was in a fine mood. No tantrums. No problem.

I get a call just before noon from Ruth saying that Ben has thrown up 3 times. Ugh! We've done the ear infection thing, the ear tubes surgery twice, even 5 seizures an EEG and a stay at Children's Hospital (not to mention several ambulance rides).. but we've never done puke. Of course, I'm not counting baby spit-up or that freaky thing that happens with a 9 month old when they think they can keep eating forever and at some point it just comes right back at you. I'm talking sick-puke.

I'm queezy just thinking about it.

I got to daycare to pick him up. All of the other kids were very excited to see me and were telling me how Ben blew chunks all over everything and how he had to get new clothes on and... they kept going on and on and on. Ben just had sick-eyes and climbed into my arms and pointed at the door and said "go?"

We stopped at the pharmacy and picked up some pedialyte and ginger ale along with a brand new pack of binkys. You need something to make you feel better when you're sick. Binkys may not fix everything.. but they sure help.

He and I proceeded to spend the afternoon and early evening sipping grape pedialyte, having some dry cheerios and some toast and watching The Incredibles and Drumline on TV. I have to say.. he loved Drumline. He was absolutely hooked to watching the marching band scenes and would clap after each performance. It was cute.

The crapper of it all was that there was a commercial for a new horror movie that kept playing at each commercial break which required me to bend myself into pretzels to shield him from the tv. Then there was the commercial for the Flirty Girl Fitness Boutique DVDs.

There's no way to describe just how horrible these commercials were.. so I'll leave you with a quick clip of their "workout dvd"... (btw.. this should be rated PG-13, although my 2 year old son saw it at every commercial break yesterday afternoon)

Crazy..

Anywho.. Ben is doing better today, although I know that only from checking in by phone.. I've been down to Hartford and back for work and have been on the road since about 6am. To say I'm exhausted is putting it mildly.. whew! At least it's almost the weekend!

Btw.. the daycare provider listed off about 3/4 of their kids (including her grandson) who had also come down with this stomach bug... ugh!

"It's like he's trying to speak to me..."

2009-01-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

That's one of my favorite quotes from Finding Nemo. Squirt is giving Dorie and Marlin a rundown of proper exiting technique and Marlin says "It's like he's trying to speak to me.."

That's been the theme with Ben for the past few weeks. He is talking all the time now.. we just don't always know what he's trying to tell us. Sometimes it is clear as day. Like when he chucks his binky across his bedroom and then says "Mooooommmmmmyyyyyyy... uh oh!... beeee!" I get that.. translation: "mommy, my bink ACCIDENTALLY got tossed across the room.. oh no! can you please come get it for me?"

Clear.. no problem.

This morning.. not so clear. The little dude has been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. Actually.. he sleeps GREAT. It's getting him to sleep that is the challenge. We've been spoiled. He's always had a really short and sweet nighttime routine and we've never really had to struggle with it. Well, we're paying for it now. Last night we opted to let him "cry-it-out".. i.e. we weren't going back in to get his binky or put his tippy of water back in his crib or give him a hug or pick out a new book for him. We gave him an hour. He really didn't cry. He yelled, threw things, jumped, kicked, laughed, babbled, practiced running from one side of the crib to the other and then falling backward and seeing how much of a bounce he could get..

Shiela and I were watching 24.. sort of. We had it on, with the volume pretty low, and I was watching Ben on the video monitor and every time we'd hear a crash or a scream, shiela would say "what's he doing".. and i'd check and give her the low down on his activities. Every once in a while he would do something funny. Once he decided to try to shove his tippy cup out between the bars in the crib. He grunted and screamed. If we hadn't had the video monitor, it sounded like he got stuck somewhere for sure. Nope.. just mad that the cup doesn't fit through the bars.

About 40 minutes into our vigil, and after a lot of eye rubbing and blanket chewing (the bink had long since gotten thrown to the floor), he started truly sobbing. I went in and gave him his binky and a hug and he let me know that he was upset with me (tried to kick me as i was lovingly giving him a goodnight hug)... but when I left the room, he was laying down with his bink in his mouth and he didn't make a peep. He was out cold in just minutes.

Now.. I don't want to do this every night.. but at least he was asleep before 11pm last night!

On to this morning.

Since he's been going to sleep so late, getting him up in the morning has been torture. I can usually get him dressed before he even decides to open his eyes. This morning was no different. I poured him, fully clothed, onto the rocker with one of his blankets and put sesame street on while I packed up his lunch.

I was talking about Obama and explaining the inauguration to him (because he was listening.. right..). Then I said "whose special day is today?" and he says "bamama". Then he says "happy.. too youuu..." I was like wait.. what.. did he just say "Obama" and did he just say Happy Birthday? The kid is brilliant! It's not exactly Obama's birthday.. but it's close enough for a 2 year old!

Of course, following this epiphany, we stumbled out to the car where he kept screaming "NO... MOMMY... MU!" And I'm like "do you want your milk?" and he's like "NO... MOMMY... MU!" And I'm like "do you want your music on?" and he's like "NO... MOMMY... MU!"

It took me the entire trip to daycare to realize that he wanted me to put the hood up on my jacket because it's cold outside. It's like he's trying to talk to me...

Personalized Stationary

2009-01-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

Go check out my new post over at Skirt!

Green Tubes... Check!

2009-01-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so Benji got his ear tubes yesterday and we are very proud of what a big boy he was. I have a long story to write about it.. like usual.. complete with pictures.. but I haven't had the chance to sit down and write.. doh! So.. to hold you over.. here are some pics!

I need a Jeep

2009-01-13T13:24:00.000-05:00

I've always wanted a Jeep. Hugely unreliable and largely not practical. It would, however, help get Benji to daycare in the morning.

We have one of those ordinary regular minivan/wagon crossover vehicles with no all-wheel drive. I know.. how strange for two lesbians. Turns out that we were broke when we traded in my old truck for the family mobile and opted for the Mazda instead of the fully loaded Subaru. Go figure.

Ok.. this is hard to explain without a picture, but I'll try. Our daycare is located at the top of Mount Everest. On an unpaved street. Off a cul-da-sac. When we interviewed this particular daycare, my old pickup started to smoke and let out an odd groaning sound about halfway up the hill. If we hadn't gotten rid of the truck due to the fact that we needed a back seat for the baby and his gear, we would have burned it out within a week of driving up that hill.

It's winter.

It has snowed approximately 17 feet over the past month here in the Great Boston Area (ok.. so maybe that is a slight exaggeration.. but the stuff just isn't melting!). As a result.. driving up the dangerously steep hill to daycare has redefined itself once again for the winter months. To make it more interesting this year, it seems that the neighbor of our daycare has some parking challenges.. I have lost count of how many cars they are trying to smash into their lack of a driveway.

As a result, I have to gun it at the bottom of the hill.. try not to wipe out the school bus that picks up a child in a wheelchair that lives halfway up the hill (what were her parents thinking?) and make the corner without hitting any of the vehicles parking along either side of the street and then get up the 47 degree rake to the landing while dodging parked cars and the cars of other daycare parents who are trying to drive the other way down this narrow street (only wide enough for one car at a time). To top it off, while they managed to dig up the four rocks that were threatening to rip out my undercarriage over the summer, there is now a hole (pronounced "cre-vahhhhssss") that I imagine my entire vehicle will flounder in one morning.

Poor Snickollet is going to have to throw me a rope from HER Subaru to haul me out...
(btw.. snick.. maddie told me this morning that Ben's hat didn't match his boots..)

The tippy is half full... of yogurt!

2009-01-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

Click Here to check out my latest post on Skirt!

2009-01-13T08:31:00.000-05:00

some mornings are better than others... i just put yogurt into ben's tippy cup. crap.

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Virtually "pain free" hair removal...

2009-01-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

Check out my first blog posting over at Skirt!

I thought I'd jump right in.. *laff* I'm determined to make waves over there! This is what they get for labeling ME a trendsetter!

Virtually "pain free" hair removal...

This definitely qualifies as TMI:

Let me set the stage.

I am Italian and Irish. All of my hair follicles are Italian and all of my skin cells are Irish. I also have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which causes lots of fun hormonal crap like infertility, weight gain and.. yes.. male-pattern hair growth. As a result, I have spent all of my adult life struggling with the topic of hair removal and self-esteem.

When I was younger, I was very self-conscious about my image. How gross was it that I could grow more facial hair than most 18 year old boys. I would take hour-long showers which would include shaving just about every inch of my body.

To complicate matters further, I have just about THE MOST sensitive skin out there. If I walk down a perfume aisle, my skin will break out in a rash (and I’ll have an asthma attack). I can only use certain soaps and one wrong move in the shaving department would leave me with little cute patterns of razor burn all over my body.

Tack on the weight gain associated with PCOS and I had a rough time during my teenage years!

Fast-forward. I’m now 34 years old and happily married. I have a 2 year old beautiful son. I am completely content with my follicular status. The solution? The product that saved my self esteem?

Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but for me.. it was just a matter of growing up and becoming comfortable with myself. No magical cream or little gadget that painlessly removed all of the hair forever.

Now.. that said, just because I’m comfortable with myself doesn’t mean I still don’t try every product and procedure under the sun. I’ve tried every chemical ever labeled for sensitive skin hair removal (translation: it removes the skin and leaves the hair) and have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on needles and lasers and weed-wackers, oh my!

So.. as the self-proclaimed expert on the subject.. do I still spend an hour a day in the shower? Heck no! I have a toddler.. I’m lucky if I snag 10 minutes to myself. I usually have the shower curtain thrown back about 7 minutes into it by a little red headed dude who hands me my glasses and says “mommy, all done”.

To be honest, I seem to have become a bit bi-polar when it comes to hair removal. It’s currently mid-winter and we’re broke. As a result, I haven’t shaved south of the equator for close to three months and I’m starting to resemble something off of the Discovery Channel. I really could care less, aside from the fact that my hair is so thick that it occasionally makes my skin hurt from rubbing against my pants. Also.. I don’t wear skirts.. that’s key.

Like I said though.. I tend to go through mood swings. When I’m not on shaving strike, I tend to go to extremes.

wax.jpg

I’ve become a huge fan of waxing. It feels strikingly like sticking your arm in a wood chipper, but the results are fantastic. It’s also great for releasing tension after a long week at work. I’m not sure what it says about your life when going in for a waxing session sounds relaxing. I’ll blog about that another time!

Now. Leg waxing isn’t a big deal. Ripping out hair in huge chunks is never pleasant, but after the first few strips, you start to lose consciousness and it doesn’t seem to hurt as badly. There are a few areas that really hurt. For me, it’s the front of my calves and the backs of my ankles and from the knee up.

Oh, I’m just kidding.. go try it, you’ll love it. No.. seriously. It’s horrible.. but I do have some advice. Don’t go cheap. DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF. I don’t care how simple and painless those TV infomercials make it look.. spring for a trip to the spa.. and not just a trip to the spa.. a trip to an EXPENSIVE spa. I’ve tried it both ways and the experience at a real spa can not compare to having a cheap wax job done by a hair dresser with a wax melter who knows how to use it. If you go cheap, prepare to wear long slacks for at least two weeks while your legs heal from all of the bruises and ingrown hairs that you’ll get... you’ll be able to put those shorts on just in time for your leg hair to start growing back! Think “She-she-poo-poo”...

Ok.. now, I think the reason why I downplay the amount of pain caused by a full leg wax is because I’ve also started getting bikini waxes. Not just regular bikini waxes, but Brazilian bikini waxes. Those Brazilians sure are wacky! I’m not sure of the history of it all or why those folks from south of the equator get the credit for the ultimate hair removal for “south of the border”.. but it’s like the Mount Everest of hair removal. It may kill you.. but it’s the best thing ever.

Once again.. if you’re going to attempt this.. remember my words about the expensive spa. No trying to do this at home kiddos. If you’re worried about the embarrassment factor.. well.. think of it like sky-diving.. once you take the plunge.. it’s all out there and you’re in a free fall and there is no going back.

The good news is that, once you’re off the IV fluids and morphine drip, you’ll feel like a million bucks. Even if you’re the only one who knows about it (aside from your new best friend at the spa), guaranteed you’ll feel like hot stuff..

- Jen (Two Moms and a Baby)

Does this mean I have to wear makeup?

2009-01-09T10:53:00.000-05:00

I'm going national, baby!

I've been selected to be a national blogger for Skirt!

The Skirt!® mantra: Skirt!® is all about women...their work, play, families, creativity, style, health and wealth, bodies and souls. Skirt! is an attitude... spirited, independent, outspoken, serious, playful and irreverent, sometimes controversial, always passionate.

Hmmm... I don't wear skirts and I don't wear makeup.. this should be interesting! The best part is that since I'm such a rad trendsetter (I guess that's what we call lesbian moms these days), I am being brought in as a "Skirt!setter" (get it.. a play on "trendsetter"..)

We'll see how this goes. The good news is that it will open my ranting mindless rambling up to a national audience. I think that is good news. Wait.. who are you? They are in the process of getting me set up in their system.. I'm currently trying to think of a spirited, independent, outspoken, serious, playful and irreverent but sometimes controversial and always passionate blog posting to get me off to a good start...

Maybe I'll post about how good Ben is at expressing his desire to play Guitar Hero for hours on end. That's edgy!

A note from my sister... (a mouse update)

2009-01-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

Blog away sister....

I haven't given you a mouse update in a bit.

I hired an exterminator, right. He came by last night. He actually laughed when I said the cat brought a mouse in my room TWICE- I'm thinking - yeah no kidding.

Wait- maybe I should back up. Wednesday- 5am- I hear this crazy meowing and scuffling in the kitchen (oh no oh no oh no)....Oh YES. He brings it in my room- drops it on the floor- it's dazed enough that he grabs it again and goes into the kitchen. I shut my door and listen to national geographic in the hallway.
Thinking ok I am not dealing with this - until I hear Ashley get up (I cannot believe this)...

So fast-forward- he kills it but doesn't destroy it. So- I pick it up and get rid of it.

Ok- so exterminator guy comes last night- sets traps inside and out. Plans on coming back Tuesday to check traps- he found a hole in the hatchway door and plugged it too (I pray that's the only way they are coming in).

Now- it's 11pm or something like that last night- Amy comes home talks to me for a bit then gets ready for bed. Now picture this...I am reading in bed...it's quiet. I hear her downstairs. All of a sudden I hear a yelp and some .....I can't even describe the noise (I am sitting here at my desk LAUGHING at loud as I type- these people think I am nuts) and I hear running- and "ohmygodohmygodohmygod"....

.......Oops- I forgot to tell her the exterminator came. (still laughing)...

She gets IN to my bed....LOL-

"beckthere'samouseinatrapbytherefridgeratoritsagluetrap
ohmygodohmygodit'salivethreefeeton,oneoffohmygodohmygodohmygod."

I am crying I am laughing so hard...the cat is walking around now trying to figure out what's up.

So Amy says to me-the kid's at jay's? yes. ok, I'm sleeping upstairs.

..haha

Fast-forward again. this morning.
She says to me- We have to get rid of the mouse in the trap....and then puts her finger on her nose slowly (GRRR). You know- that hole "nose goes"....someone says this has to be done and then everyone puts their finger on their nose and the last one to do it has to do whatever the thing is...Ok- it's something Amy did once and then the kids got a huge kick out of it and we've been doing it since Christmas.

Whatever gets you through the day right.

Anyway- we go downstairs together- both peering around the fridge. It's there- and it's dead...Well I can get rid of that. So I ask her- because now the cat is with us so I gotta hurry- can you get me a bag? So I am talking about anything to get my mind out of picking this disgusting trap up. and I put it in the bag- BUT the glue catches on the side of the bag- so the trap is teetering on the edge of the bag.

OH NO....so I yell get another bag get another bag. So she goes and gets one and we are laughing. Then...
as she's giving me the bag...

the glue lets go and the trap falls fully into the bag.. We both scream. Yes that's right....If they could have a candid camera in my house- this whole exchange would win awards- I swear it would.

Unbelievable....

one down (well two if you count the one zeke caught)...this guy is worth every penny I am telling you. I have traps set for weeks and weeks- his are set for a couple of hours and wam (well not literally- although I did think I heard a snap or two in the middle of the night- I might be a bit paranoid though...).

2 down...how many can their be (the thought of that terrifies me)....

Maybe I can get rid of the mice just before tick season starts again...

(glass half full, glass half full)....

The chupone (spanish for "binky")

2009-01-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

Baby Babble.. listen for the "I know I know I know"

2009-01-07T15:09:00.000-05:00

A bit of history.. Ear Tubes Round #1

2009-01-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

For my new readers.. Here is a link to our adventure last March, when Ben had his first round of ear tubes put in.

Ear Tubes Round #1

They are supposed to stay in for about a year to 18 months. Ben's were out after 4 months. The ENT did warn me that since this happened once, it is very likely that it could happen again.. but hopefully this round will get us through this year's cold and flu season and maybe by next year he will have outgrown the ear infection thang...

I like "lellow" too, Baby

2009-01-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

While we were waiting for the surgical coordinator at Ben's ENT appointment today, he was all set up in the waiting room with an elmo toy across his lap. he was jabbering away and pointing at the various buttons and switches (all that didn't work because the batteries had long since been depleted). Our conversation went something like this:

Ben points to red button
Me: "that's red"
Ben: "re"
Me: "yep.. red"
Ben points to green button
Me: "that's green"
Ben: "yeah.."
Me: "yep.. green"

Then Ben turns and looks at me with those big blue eyes and his curly red hair was all crazy half from bed-hair and half from his winter hat and he says to me:

"Mommy, I like lellow"

Clear as day.

The woman sitting across the room smiled politely and commented about how cute he was. I was still trying to not cry over the fact that he just told me that he likes lellow. Then the woman says, "How old is he." I respond, "just turned two." Then she asks, "When did he start talking?" I respond, "this past weekend."

She nosed her Dunkin' Donuts Coffee. I laughed and said "I'm serious.. before that he was saying "yeah", "no", "mama" and "all done".. now all of a sudden he's talking in sentences!"

She laughed and said "Thank god.. there is hope for my son.. he's almost two and just screams "no" and "all done". Yep... been there.

Then.. just to show her that a child doesn't change completely over a weekend, Ben grabs my arm to get my attention and says "lellow!" and then proceeds to throw a total fit over the fact that the elmo toy has no lellow buttons.

I'm going to write to the folks at Seseme Street.. how could they skip lellow?

Ubbi Dubbi - and an ear tube update

2009-01-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

Frubom nubow ubon, Ubi'll bube bluboggubing ubin Ububbubi Dububbubi. Ubif yubou nubeed hubelp, gubo tubo thube trubanslubatubor wubeb subite ubon pbskubids.uborg

Buben wubill bube guboubing ubin fubor suburguberuby ubon hubis ubears nubext Thubursdubay (15th) tubo gubet tububes ubin buboth ubears fubor thube subecubond tubime. Subince hubis lubast UBER vubisubit, hube hubas hubad twubo ubear ubinfubectiubons uband stubandubing flubuid ubin buboth ubears. Tubo mubake ubit ubevuben mubore ubinterubestubing, hubis ubeye rubollubing ubepubisubodes hubave stubartubed ubagubain ubas wubell. uburgh.

Translation:
From now on, I'll be blogging in Ubbi Dubbi. If you need help, go to the translator web site on pbskids.org

Ben will be going in for surgery on his ears next Thursday (15th) to get tubes in both ears for the second time. Since his last ER visit, he has had two ear infections and standing fluid in both ears. To make it even more interesting, his eye rolling episodes have started again as well. urgh.

Ok.. I'll stop with the Ubbi Dubbi stuff.. but honest.. now that I found the translator.. I may write my letters at work with it...

Ben is doing just fine and I'll be happy when next Thursday gets here. He is a little ticking time bomb waiting for another double ear infection to blow up. His ENT is awesome thought and he was a big guy and sat on the exam chair (like an eye doctors chair) all by himself and let her look in his ears and nose and mouth. When she was listening to his chest, through his shirt.. he reached down and pulled his shirt up for her. The only down side is that she said that they may decide to put an IV in this time (they just did gas last time) since he has continued to have seizures (he had 2 before his last surgery.. has had 5 now).. they want to be sure to be able to get meds to him immediately if he seizes while under anesthesia. I don't blame them.. but it sure would be nice if they could give him some gas and then put in the IV. Poor little dude.

New Years updates...

2009-01-02T12:33:00.000-05:00

Well.. while it may not seem like it, I HAVE been up to things other than updating the colors on my blog and playing Guitar Hero World Tour. I *HAVE* been a bit of a space cadet though.. so I haven't really been sharing many blog bonding moments with you all.

First of all.. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dan! We had a great time spending Christmas Eve and morning with you guys and hope we can do it again sometime. Maybe someday, we'll actually have a room for you and you won't have to camp out in the back yard!

Other stuff.. Benji has spent most of the holiday break from school either being sick with an ear infection (flared up on Christmas Day) or with a rogue virus or two. He also is on a sleep strike. I'm sure that it's because our daytime schedule is out of wack with him not having been to school for two weeks. I totally feel for his daycare providers next week.. he's going to be a bear! The good news is that his development seems to have made a huge jump.. maybe it was all the birthday cake!

He's saying all sorts of words now (like "stupid", "hola", "ru" (Ruth), "Mommy" (instead of just MaMa), "I eat it", "no nemo", "nemo no", "no nemo no", "nemo no nemo" (catching a trend?) and lots of "ohhh noooooo's".. very dramatic.

I'm doing well.. no major complaints. I've decided to go back to work full time. It is a tough pill to swallow, but given the economy and the fact that things were already really tight.. well.. I want to keep ahead of the gang. This coming Monday will be my first time back in about six months.. I should be one cranky mom on Sunday.. watch out!

The other mom is doing well.. she's tired. Two weeks of vacation will do that to you.

Oh well.. I had planned on sharing a few pics from my fancy dancy new camera, but I didn't bring the cable and my card reader can't handle the high capacity card.. doh.. so I'll have to do that later. I also have more things to finish with the blog layout (there's a surprise).. given that my home computers are crap, i may pull an all nighter with some system install and norton disks.. fun fun fun! That's how I roll...

Ok... flowers are out of here.. but...

2009-01-02T10:03:00.000-05:00

I have to save this horrible decision for future laughs... here is a screen shot of my pretty flowers...

Holy crap.. what was I thinking?

2009-01-02T09:13:00.000-05:00

Jesus.. what's with all the flowers and the pink? Holy crap??

My meds must have been off on New Years Eve or something when I changed my background for the blog because holy mary mother of god.. the current layout is SO NOT ME.

I totally agree with Giovanna on this one.. Blog Background Identity Crisis (BBIC).. I'm going to see if there are any support groups out there.

What the hell was I thinking?

Have a colorful new year!

2008-12-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone is planning to enjoy that extra second that we get today.. I know that I, for one, have BIG plans.

I've made some changes to my blog to add some color. I need to get some more pics of Benji into the mix, but for the moment I'm just working on colors and functionality.. I'll add cuteness in later. It's a little girly for me, but I figure that some bright colors will do my readers good for the new year.. and I'm all about helping others. Totally.

I got a new camera.. I'm totally jazzed about it. Lots of my family gave me cash for Christmas this year and it totally adds up... totally. I got the point and shoot that I've been eyeing for a few months and have been taking photos of carpet fuzz and car keys and stuff. I have tomorrow off of work, so I'll hopefully get some good photos taken of Benjamin to start the new year off right.

Oh well.. my work decided not to spring for the lunch that they have always provided on New Years Eve.. so I'm lunchless and it's snowing and the wife has the minivan.. so I'm out of luck. I'm going to end 2008 with a bang and leave work early.. I know how to party like it's 1999.

Check back later.. I'm playing with blog templates...

2008-12-31T10:43:00.000-05:00

Ready for a new year... bring it on!

2008-12-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so that little video just cracks me up.

Another thing that has been cracking me up is how so many of my blogging friends (how "hip" are we?) are apologizing for being blog-slackers over the holidays.. well, duh.. it's the holidays.. if we were up on our blogs.. that would mean that our real lives sucked.

I haven't had time to blog. I haven't had time to breath. I haven't had time to pee. I've had a wonderful holiday season this year and had a great Christmas. Shiela and I were able to spend Christmas morning with BOTH of our moms at our own home at the same time.. something that probably will never happen again given that my mom now lives down in Kentucky and shiela's mom lives out in Texas (and after being snowbound out here this winter, may never visit again). Benji made it through his second birthday and all of Christmas without really getting the concept of wrapped gifts. He did enjoy all of his new toys though.. we need to build onto the house to find a place for them all!

True to form, Ben had a fever on Christmas day evening.. not high.. but warm. It turned out that he was trying out another ear infection, which makes 2 in the last month. We got him some of the good ol' pink stuff and started the motrin drip (just kidding).. and we were good to go.. albeit a bit crankier than normal.

My poor sister's house was straight out of the movie Home Alone before the entire family left for france. Total Chaos. Fun, though.. lots of fun.

I think that i can officially say that it sucks to have my family live so far away now. My mom and stepdad moved to Kentucky last winter and while we've muddled through this past year, it's always very obvious how much we are missing them and how much they are missing out on the kids growing up. Prior to having Ben, I don't think it would have hit me as hard, but now it's just really difficult. Money is tight for all of us, although thankfully we all still have our jobs.. but hopping on a plane isn't exactly cheap. Hopefully we'll manage to balance our time visiting this year a little bit better. It still sucks.

Ben is growing up so fast. Just last night, on our way home from CT.. someone cut shiela off when we were merging onto the Pike. She muttered "idiot.." and continued to merge. In the backseat.. Ben started throwing his arms around and yelling and then.. clear as day.. says "Stupid!".

I.

Am.

Serious.

.....stupid..

He didn't learn that one from me..

Ok.. so I have big plans.. I was to freshen up my blog and fix my computers at home and get a new camera and rock out on guitar hero world tour... so much to do.. so little time!

Just like mom...

2008-12-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ben had his 2 year checkup this morning.. he's such a brave and smart little dude. Our pediatrician is friggin hysterical, but that's a different story. He dropped the f-bomb like 4 times.. classic stuff. Anyway.. back to the little dude. He had to have some bloodwork done, which sucked.. more for us than for him.. I got a bit woozy. He was a total trooper. It took two sticks because his vein hid, just like mine do. He wasn't entirely pleased, but he really liked the plastic lighted aquarium and the pink lemonade lollipop and he didn't even cry. Shiela almost punched the nurse, which would have been funny if I wasn't trying not to pass out.

In other news.. the little man is now 27 lbs 13 oz (up from his birth weight of 5 lbs 13 oz) and 36.5" tall (up from 19").. crazy crazy. He's in the 47% for weight and in the 92% for height.. he does NOT get that from me! Thank you, donor dad, for the red hair, and for the tall skinny body..

I can't believe it...

2008-12-23T16:11:00.000-05:00

Ben still fits into this shirt... it's trashed, but it fits.. This photo was taken on Christmas Eve of last year.. what a goofball!

Jingling Christmas Tree...

2008-12-23T15:52:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how much a child changes over the first two years..

Two Years Ago:

One Year Ago:

This Year:

Now.. about that jingling christmas tree. I had the bright idea of replacing the glass balls that we normally decorate our tree with (non-toddler-friendly) with bright gold and red bells. The red bells are just for show.. no bell ringers. The gold ones are the real deal though.. jing-a-ling. It turns out that the tree makes a grand jingling sound when you throw toys at it. As a result, about 60% of the needles have fallen off of our tree making it look strikingly like Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree.. of course.. ours still jingles.

Can I complain for a moment?

2008-12-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

Ok.. sorry about the lack of blog posts recently.. my home computers have the plague and I've been working through my lunch lately.

So tis the season to be friggin jolly..

One of my faithful readers clued me in that I've officially missed out on the opportunity to snag the "tmaab" domain name for my blog. I've debated getting it for a while, but haven't felt like it for a range of reasons. Well.. turns out that two men and a brush beat me to it..

I'm.

Not.

Kidding.

Two Men and a Brush

I have to give them props for coming up with a business name that sounds like something that should be illegal. It's a shame that their acronym is the same as mine though...

Funny signs make me happy

2008-12-19T10:22:00.000-05:00

Blogging should not be tried at home without the supervision of an adult...

2008-12-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

Some things just crack me up. Lindsay Lohan's blog is one of them. This is why she makes the big bucks man.. she's a hoot!

LL's Blog

The internet is a beautiful thing..

Tis the season.. cough

2008-12-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Urgh.. is it flippin possible that I'm getting a cold? I have that weird tight/tickle feeling in my throat. I'm going to go gnaw on a lemon tree to get my vitamin C intake up to see if that helps.. urgh..

In other news.. two years ago at this time I was one sick puppy. I had been on bedrest for about 3 days and wasn't able to sit up for more than 2 to 3 minutes without feeling dizzy and generally like crap. My blood pressure was so high that I was also unable to sleep or even concentrate on a book or the TV. I was one grumpy camper. Little did I know that in just two days I would be meeting my little boy.

Found It!

2008-12-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

Family History -- digging for an old photo

2008-12-16T14:38:00.000-05:00

I remember a photo on the wall at my grandmother and grandfather's home when I was a kid. The photo stuck out to me because it was in a cool curved glass frame. It was a picture of my great grandmother and great grandfather with their children.. my grandfather (father's father) was one of them.

When my grandfather needed to move to a nursing home some 12+ years ago, the one item that my dad wanted from the house was this family photograph. Since then, it has hung in his dining room. I always make a point to check it out. My grandfather used to say that I reminded him of his mother.. and she was in the picture as well.

On Thanksgiving this year, I pointed the photo out to Shiela and said "now we know where Ben gets his cheeks".. a few of my great aunts and uncles had the same pudgy cheeks that gave ben his early nicknames of "Benny Cheeks". My sister, the oblivious one, happened to be walking by.. and said "huh? that's who's family?"

My dad heard this exchange and came in to tell us the story behind the photo. I was hooked. It turned out that my great grandmother had sent the family photo in to the Mellin's Food Company back in 1923. They framed it for them (the cool curved glass print) and also requested to use it in their ad campaign. Here are some letters that my dad still has of this exchange:

So... now I'm on a quest. I must find this add in print. Ebay hasn't turned up much, aside from one of the magazines in poor condition. I've emailed the seller to see if he could check for the Mellin's ad in that magazine and the condition. If it's reasonable, I may try to pick it up. In the meantime.. I now have something to fill the copious (not) amounts of free time that have been plaguing my days lately (not)...

Btw.. this is the same side of the family that is related to Obama (and George Bush and Lizzie Borden.. *chuckle*)

Again.. I'm easily amused...

2008-12-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

Click on the picture below to read the note...

View more Half-Life 2 screenshots on WeGame.